True Story© The Big Payoff pt VII

     Maybe I am the fucking idiot here…
Look, Santa was a degenerate dope dealer who deserved to get robbed.  I don’t understand how I am the one wearing this series of asswhoopings for having had the nuts to be the one to set him straight.  All I know is that I had turned his negative into a positive and set about the task of making sure my family was straight, better than I could have as an IT Specialist or whatever else I might have happened upon to do for a legit living otherwise.

     But the only thing that travels faster than bad news is, apparently, chlamydia which I’m to understand is ALSO bad news in its own right and actually has not a fucking thing to do with this story.
So here I am, these Europeans got me by the short & curlies, but they actually NEED me to get what they want as well.  I could say no and they can’t kill me if they intend to get ahead.  They could say no and walk away from it all, then head back to the drawing board and find another way.  Fuck, these underarm odor-challenged motherfuckers might even try to rob and kidnap Santa himself if I let my secret slip!
For now though, I am at home and living fine while they make up their minds on whether or not they will let me keep my bag and just come back to them inside of my every-other-week “work” schedule, and I ENSURE them they want no smoke with the terrorist in my house my lady.
     One day, I am in the lab playing Project CARS 2 when the phone rings…

Me: “Phlip’s meatlocker, you kill em, we chill em.”
Caller: “Um…  Sorry, we were looking for Mr Phillips”

[Phlip note: it is a bit unnerving how people from other countries don’t get the American concept of surnames, but I am also an asshole, so…]

Me: “This is Phillip”
Caller: “But you said--…”
Me: “It’s an American thing, we’re so used to the monotony of a phone that sometimes we--…  Nevermind.  Am I getting my bag back or what?”
Caller: “That is what we were calling to discuss.  We’re still worried that if we give you the bag back that you may try to escape--…”
Me: “… and then you hunt me and my family down and murder us in the streets like a game of ‘Cops and Black Guys.’”
Caller: “I’m sorry, ‘Cops and Black Guys’ is not a game we have ever heard of.”
Me: “Sorry, another one of those America-only things, except it isn’t so much a game as it is a clear and present realit--…  STOP CHANGING THE FUCKING SUBJECT!  Bring me my fucking bag!”
Caller: “You’re in no position to be making demands here.”
Me: “And you are?”
Caller: “Astute observation”
Me: “So yeah, pack my bag up, bring it to me and understand that I work every other week, and--…”
Caller: “…  we know, you can’t be away more than four days at a time or your woman will murder your face and you have to be home to receive your daughter or you will murder my face.”
Me: “Good boy…”
Caller: “What reassurance do we have that you will continue to give us what we want?”
Me: “I like money.”
Caller: “What?”
Me: “I. LIKE. MONEY!!!
Caller: “Repeating the answer I questioned, only louder, does not clarify the statement.”
Me: “Fine, you continue to pay me and I have been properly incentivized to continue to come to work.”
Caller: “No, no…  We’re not paying you here.”
Me: “Fine, then get your own coal”
Caller: “Wait!”
Me: “Then kill me…  And get your own got-damn coal.”
Caller: “Wait!”
Me: “Or pay me and we all live.”
Caller: “Half your price, then!”
Me: “Double it!”
Caller: “I will buy it from industry then.”
Me: “And pay taxes and risk HEAVY sanctions?”
Caller: “…”
Me: “Aha!  Advantage me!”
*dances around the room snapping my fingers and shit*

Caller: “You drive a hard, but well-formed bargain.”
Me: “So you paying my fee and letting me keep the bag in off times, or you doubling it and babysitting it for me?”
Caller: “Bag is useless without you, you can keep it for whatever else you need when not working with us”
Me: “That’s ‘with’ and not ‘for,’ am I right?”
Caller: “What is the difference?”
Me: “You motherfuckers don’t own me.  We apparently need each other.”
Caller: “Fine.”
Me: “See you Monday.”

     Look at me!  I have successfully avoided being kidnapped.  Have been allowed to keep possession of my bag in order to make side money and imparted on these filthy motherfuckers that they need me for what they need as much as I need them for the money that I know they are willing to pay to get it.
AND I’mma make all the money I’d been making on my side deals in the meantime.  This means I might have to work out some situations with my other “contracts” to make time work, but that is a chance I am willing to take to make sure I continue to keep the cash rolling in.

International crisis averted...
What could go wrong now?


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