True Story©… Smurfin’
I couldn’t stay
out for long…
Me, this Moe Phillips thing, my continued petty crime spree,
I am drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
Consistency with my prior edict to use Moe Phillips for net good remains
in place at least.
First thing’s
first… I KNOW Detective Woodpenis is
watching his wire to be sure that Moe isn’t acting up again, for which he has
promised to come for my ass. Of course, there needs to be a new burner
phone, since I gave the old one to the unhoused person to use out when I left
the station last time. Instead of making
a purchase near my home, I drove to surrounding cities and approached people on
highway exits with signs. For a couple
of bucks for whatever they wanted to buy, they would go into the store and buy
me a burner phone. I did this three
times.
Why three? I would stash one burner in a
location away from my house. THIS would
be *the* number for people to call me on.
I silenced it, and plugged it in at a YMCA locker room before hiding it
and praying housekeeping wouldn’t locate it.
I set it to forward ALL calls to a second burner which I similarly hid
at a second location. Burner #2 forwards
all calls to the one that was in my possession, hopefully miring the exchange
in a maddeningly muddied chain of contact to throw authorities off of my scent.
Now we must
address the reason for the secrecy, no?
While scouring the dark web and – of all places – Reddit, I learned that in
2023, now nine years and eleven months after the death of Walter White, people
are STILL trying to secure the recipe for his bleu meth from Breaking Bad. As mentioned before, my new thing with Moe
Phillips is still crime, but the “victims” are carefully selected as people
deserving of punishment. Knowing what I
know about the behaviors of manufacturers, sellers AND users (sometimes one is
all three at once) of methamphetamine, I had my mark. But first I would need to zero in on how I
would do it.
Y’know what? Put that
on pause, it’ll be back in a bit.
Establishing a
user name not specifically SAYING Moe Phillips but also absolutely saying Moe
Phillips, I lurked for a little while to establish a little seniority. Then I would comment on posts as
conservatively and competently as I could so as to not come off as a narc or a
giddy little stickup kid. Once I had the
trust of the community I began receiving DMs about whether I had a line on that blue shit, as some of them called
it. Again, not to get TOO giddy, I left
the first wave of them on UNread and
continued lurking and commenting.
Once it became
clear to the people of the communities that the new guy might be onto
something, I started to respond to messages.
Not with words, but with a picture.
In the picture was a Pyrex baking dish full of the least cloudy blue
rock candy I could find in the candy stores around. When pressed for details on how I did it, I
demurred and explained that being the only one with it was a money maker and
how I was out for clientele and not to give seminars.
Naturally, of
course, people wanted to get their hands on it to test the product. I got aggressive, basically yelling at them
for DARING question me, to either trust that one can trust that I know what I
am doing or to go fuckoff. Wild as this
sounds on its surface, it has worked at least once to deliver someone to the
White House. Damn if it didn’t work
here. A couple of people naturally went
on about their lives and left it alone but the desperate ones pushed through
and asked how to acquire.
I explained that we would work STRICTLY through dead drops. Public places, with people – ostensibly police
– present, so no one is inclined to have to shoot it out with a tweeker with
the possibility of children in the crossfire.
On the day of the deal, they call the burner, I provide them with a set
of GPS coordinates and a time. Once at
the location, I am watching where he is told to put the money. A random teenager paid by me picks up and
confirms the package and gives me the signal, then I tell him where he is to retrieve
his product. I would never use the same
place twice, not even for the same person if it ever came to that but this is
fucking sugar and food coloring so there will not be a “same person” situation.
I was able to
complete four of these deals. Knowing I
had just sold dumdums to three users and one likely seller, I logged into the
account of burner #1 in the chain and blocked the number and the user from DM’ing
me as soon as I had money in hand. All
good, I have hosed a tweeker and some bad people out of their cash, right?
Well when it came to number five, I followed my established pattern for the
dead drop, but got a little sweaty when it LOOKED like the cop in the park was
watching. It turns out that he wasn’t
calling in or for anyone to assist with the “drug” deal obviously taking place
in front of him, but scrolling through motherfuckin’ TikTok videos INSTEAD of
paying attention. Either way, the stress
of almost possibly being outed by the fuzz caused me to get a little sloppy and
I FORGOT to block the phone number after I had my money in hand.
I should have
known this shit would be unsustainable.
Eventually, even the blocked users would confer among themselves and
either stop fucking with me or try to set ME up. What I hadn’t thought of was that this one
last asshole would keep calling and calling and calling so frequently that I
didn’t even have time to decline his call and block the number. Lord knows, I was trying but every time his
incoming call would keep me from doing it and I will be DAMNED if I log into or
near that burner account from my personal phone or computers.
I had to answer…
Me: “Hello?”
Tweeker: “What’s this shit you sold me, bro!?”
Me: “I believe the term, as you so succinctly put
it, was ‘that blue shit’?”
Tweeker: “You sold me CANDY, asshole!”
Me: “Now that is just not nice…”
Tweeker: “Fuck nice, I want my mon--…”
Me: “Look, you asked me what I sold you as if
you weren’t aware, then you TELL me and call me names?”
Tweeker: “I want my money!”
Me: “I’m going to have to cut you loose as a
customer, sir.”
Tweeker: “I. Want. My. MONEY!!!”
Me: “We have a strict no-returns policy.”
Tweeker: “I am not returning shit, what you’ve done
here is just wrong. You stole my money!”
Me: “Is it?
Then you’re gonna need to call the cops.”
I was stalling… While we talked on the phone, I was logging
into the account and setting up the block on his number. I hung up on him and hit the button to block
him and the callbacks stopped.
Everything is good, right? I got a few
bad people for a couple thousand bucks total.
No one who didn’t need a little hurtin’ got hurt, I should be allowed to
enjoy the spoils of my ill-gotten gains without issue, correct?
RIGHT?!!?
Wrong™!
Three hours later,
I am cutting my front yard and an unmarked cruiser pulls up. I kept working like I didn’t see him, I had
on my noise cancelling headphones so I KNOW I wasn’t hearing shit. He got out and walked to my driveway where he
knew I couldn’t continue to ignore him…
Me: “Good afternoon, Detective Woodpenis!”
Detective: “That’s Woodcock and you know it.”
Me: “Woodpenis, Woodcock, Hickory Rooster… what’s the difference? What’s up?”
Detective: “We had some tweeker call the station
yammering on about paying a few hundred bucks for fake meth.”
Me: “And this has what to do with me, exactly?”
Detective: “He says that he linked up with some guy
named Moe Phillips on the dark web.”
Me: “And we established before that I don’t know
who that is--… Wait, a ‘tweeker’ you
say?”
Detective: “Yep!”
Me: “Since when does your type invest anything
in what THAT type says?”
Detective: “Well…
never usually, but this Moe Phillips thing.”
Me: “And the evidence leads you to me?”
Detective: “Well not exactly, but--…”
Me: “Am I being detained or questioned?”
Detective: “Well no, but--…”
Me: “Well either shoot me right here while my
dogs and those kids over there watch, detain me and bring me in for questioning
with my lawyer or have a good day sir. I
don’t know no damned Moe Phillips and I don’t hang out in tweeker circles.”
Detective: “Have a good day.”
He slumped his shoulders and huffed before getting in the cruiser and storming off. I drove out into the county and disposed of the one burner in my possession and let the other two expire and pray that I don’t have to meet him again.
Comments