True Story©… Robbin’ the Hood
I was aiming low…
First, let me
welcome y’all back and advise that I was not kidnapped again this time.
Instead, I was dealing with the fact that I kind of necessarily had to burn theMoe Phillips name to keep my real name out of real trouble. I took a week not only to regroup, but to live-test a new method.
That’s right, y’all,
I started a cult!
At my advanced age, it makes little sense to attempt a full on career change that may involve any amount of time spent back in school, especially not when my normal full time job does well enough to handle my bills and gives great insurance benefits. As has been mentioned before in these very pages, one of those benefits is generous amounts of off time commiserate with the amount of time I have been with the company. I’d be a fuckin’ fool to blow that!
So anyway, a cult… First off, I needed a point of interest that
I knew would get people interested.
Politics is too toxic, social issues are too caustic and money is--… fuggit, MONEY!!!
So I went online and created a business card to randomly hand to people in public to approach, then I would bring them in for the meeting and make my grand pitch.
Next, I went and bought THREE mid-level suits, one black, one navy and one gray. The reason for this is that the most major differences between a mediocre suit and a good one is in the access to someone who is REALLY good with a sewing machine to make it look like it isn’t some off the rack nonsense. I happen to know one of the best in the business, hell I got a key to her house! Mixing up the gray with the other two creates new suit combinations so one suit quickly becomes seven. The point being that everyone who sees me will see me as “well-dressed.”
So we on now… I ventured out to Target on the other side of town, carefully considering the nature of People of Wal Mart and the fact that the people working in the Wal Mart down the street know my face. I didn’t even go all the way into the store. I stayed in the parking lot and waited for people who look like they would be receptive to the approach and went for it.
“Hi, my name is Michael Cox, my friends call me Mike. I would love the opportunity to change your life. What’ll it be, you wanna call me Michael or Mike?”
Remember, I can’t
currently use Moe Phillips, or detective Woodpenis will come and arrest me.
Usually the ice breaker gets them listening and I am given a couple of more minutes to play to their fears of the economy, because who doesn’t want more money than they actually really need? Even those who don’t think they do will change their tune when presented with the chance to turn over big cash without having to do TOO too much to get it. That’s how Charles Ponzi and Bernie Madoff did what they did.
Needless to say, I
had 23 call backs within four days and had to quickly find a bando to clean up
and put some folding chairs in. Luckily,
my morning walks have shown me several unused houses, I picked one and cut the
yard REALLY pretty and made sure the power was on, then borrowed the chairs
from my own house.
Last Thursday, I had them in the presentation…
“What separates us from the animals? Dreams! You’re all here because you want to one day fulfill dreams you might not even know you had! I am here to tell you that if you can believe it then you can achieve it. Look at me, I’m proof of it. I own my home free and clear of a mortgage. I get up and I ‘work’ when I feel like it. Look at this watch, it’s a nice watch right? Well I am going to GIVE this watch to someone today and make enough to buy FIVE of them before I go to bed tonight!”[Phlip note: it’s not a Rolex… I’ve never even pretended it was. I might have paid like fifty bucks for it and will honestly tell anyone who asks. They ain’t askin’ though]
For those keeping score at home, I have promised these people nothing more than a cheap watch I ordered from China in 2020. I have inferred that I will make them WILDLY rich beyond their conceivable dreams, but it is crucially imperative to understand that I spent the remainder of the presentation not promising to DO anything.
… and they ate it
up. They were asking how to get down
before I even had a chance to make a request.
Two of them even lamented that their spouses would murder them if they
knew they were about to do this, but this is their chance to generate
generational wealth before running to the ATM and coming back with everything
they could get out in that one transaction.
Of the 23 people who came, 15 stayed and left me with just under $10,000 total. I blindfolded myself and spun a bottle, then handed the “winner” my $50 watch and bid everyone adieu for the time. I went home and bought three new – BETTER – watches because I ain’t no liar.
I remained vague
enough to maintain plausible deniability and continued to work the playbook I’ve
inadvertently learned listening to Behind
the Bastards podcast. I was
contacted by people among the 15, asking when the next meeting would be and
explaining how their buddies had wanted to possibly get down with the movement
Again, I have no “movement.” I have no products or service, only the suggestion of such and some slick talk copied from historical despots and multilevel marketers.
I arranged to meet the “repeat customers” at the Target where we first met and not only did their friends give me cash, but they gave MORE. Amazing what people will do when they think they have discovered the pot of gold. They won’t even notice that they ARE the pot of gold until it is too late.
I had to do one more meeting… I met them back at the bando and I went for it.
“Six months ago, I was a Nauga farmer…
You don’t know what a Nauga is, do you?
Well the problem is that no one else does either. I was unhappy, and unfulfilled. I lost my first
wife woman I had a
wedding with. I was miserable, but then
I found the way. My life is better now, I've gotten married and have a wife, I don’t imbibe alcohol, I have a bigger better house in addition to this band--… um, this development opportunity and like I
told y’all before. I live life the way I
want it and now I am here to further that by getting more people involved.”
I went on a bit
more, basically rambling and repeating empty-ass nothing phrases, kind of
hoping that they would catch on and cut themselves loose.
Nope™… Greed doesn’t work like that. These people had come equipped with more money to buy in and what was $10k before was $17k this time.
You know what I wasn’t banking on? I wasn’t banking on getting a conscience! Make no mistakes, I wasn’t getting enough of a conscience to return these people their money, just enough of one to--… I’m bullshitting. I would keep this ball rolling indefinitely if I thought I could do so without detective Woodpenis sniffing around when these people complain about how they’ve now given me enough money to buy a nice car and gotten nothing to show for it.
No more playing
too close to the sun, I am taking the win and running for it.
… and never going back to THAT Target.