True Story©... Stress Test

 

    Weird things happening nowadays...
One would think that I am NOT the one to be asking for serious advice, especially after reading the shenanigous outcomes I tend to prefer. Despite that, here we are.


I've been busy with yard work and Tiny Little™, so "outside" is not something I've particularly been able to participate in, so while she was napping, I opened up the good ol email.

"Moe,

I'm considering marrying my girlfriend but as much as I love her, I'm still not comfortable that she is the one. Is there anything I could do to know for sure before throwing years of my life away to a poor decision?"

    Now...
Pragmatically thinking, I would explain to him that if he gotta ASK then he already knows he probably don't trust her and should not move forward.
But if I answered with just that, this story would end with the period at the end of this sentence.

Instead, I responded and asked for his phone number to ask some more detailed questions about the situation. As much as I hate talking on the phone, I made the call...

Him: "Hello, Moe?"

Me: "Yeppers"

Him: "Thanks for calling to help me with this."

Me: "No problem, it's what I do."

Him: "So yeah... I been with her for a little minute here, and I'm considering taking it a step further and proposing."

Me: "You from here?"

Him: "Nah, I came down here for school then I got a good job and stayed."

Me: "Her?"

Him: "She is native to the city."

Me: "Mutuals?"

Him: "One of my homies from my college job apparently knew her in high school."

Me: "What did your homie say about her?"

Him: "Nothing much, really, she was apparently nondescript in school and kept to herself"

Me: "What does she do for work now?"

Him: "Some kind of call center job or something"

Me: "And your homie? What does he do?"

Him: "Where are we going with this?"

Me: "Trust me, we got this."

Him: "He got snagged up into one of those multi level marketing things--..."

Me: "... oh shit."

Him: "But he got GOOD at it!"

Me: "Takes a special brand of scumbag to find success in MLM."

Him: "Right."

Me: "You gon have to stress test your relationship."

Him: "What?"

Me: "Your homie does MLM... Those things almost always meet up in hotels to drag in newbies."

Him: "Hmm?"

Me: "Finesse it to where he is catching up to her as old classmates and parlay that into her coming to one of those meetings at the hotel."

Him: "mmkay..."

Me: "Once he has her AT the hotel and the meeting has taken place, have him try to fuck."

Him: "Wooooooooow!"

Me: "If she lets him dip his wick, then to the streets she shall return. If she rebuffs and tells you, then you can trust her."

Him: "Y'know what? This is just wild enough to work. I'mma hit him up and set it in motion and hit you back."

    Now equipped with my objectively fool-proof plan and reasoning behind it, I assume that this man went off into the world and assigned his homeboy's mission to attempt to compel this young lady to step out into the night.
I can't help thinking after it was already too late that may have neglected to ask an important question or two or that I should have directed it slightly differently, but I'm only human.

Two weeks pass by and I get a call back...

Him: "Moe, she is out of my house now."

Me: "She let him smang?"

Him: "Man... Not ONLY, but she paid for the damn room, then came home like nothing was amiss!"

Me: "You *do* know you should probably cut homeboy out of your circle too, right?"

Him: "But you said--..."

Me: "When auditors stress test a bank, they're making sure shit remains solvent in case of emergency. They're not looking to crash the whole damned company."

Him: "But..."

Me: "He was supposed to test her willingness to lay down, not actually DO it."

Him: "This was YOUR idea!"

Me: "Then I guess you could say you stress tested two relationships, now the recourse is to end them both and make better interpersonal decisions moving forward."

Him: "Damn, wow. You're right? Besides, that dude is married as fuck, he should have known better!"

    Oh shit...
I'd failed in my inference that a REAL friend would know to take it to the point of testing her willingness, and I was DEAD ass wrong for not questioning whether homie was even single enough to be trying this shit in the first place. We did, however, surmise that this man has natural scumbag tendencies though didn't we?
Y'know what? I did what I did in service of my "client," what happens to those involved are THEIR problem and not mine. The person who contacted me has the answers he needs and is in position to be alright with some time and for that I won't miss any sleep.