True Story©... Home Alone

 




Wife Person™ has a best friend...


    Well she has about four, but one in particular sits at the absolute top of the pot and that is the one she doesn't get to see as much as they might like due to physical distance. They only get to see each other in person about once or twice a year and it always involves an airline ride.
They get to see each other this weekend, but I never keyed y'all in on what happened when Wife Person™ went to TN/AR to visit her back in the spring.

    It was March, they'd planned the visit for months in advance. It was planned for a week/end that I would be otherwise untethered to anything other than my lawn mower...

Me: "But who gon feed me and remind me to take care of the dogs?"
Wife Person™: "You do most of the cooking, cleaning and dog-rearing already. The fuck!?"
Me: "And no adult supervision?"
Wife Person™: "You talked to your therapist on Tuesday, right?"
Me: "Of course!"
Wife Person™: "Then I trust the house will be standing, three dogs still alive and in your ability to remain sober for five days."
Me: "That makes one of us."
Wife Person™: "Huh?"
Me: "Nuffin'... "So what I'm 'posed to do?"
Wife Person™: "Do whatever, Phillip."
Me: "'whatever'? You SURE about that?"
Wife Person™: "Within reason, yes... I trust you."


    5am arrives and I dropped her off at the airport. Best Friend™ had called me and asked what snacks to have ready for her and I responded with pictures of what Wife Person™ had literally bought for herself three days before leaving.
Back at the house, I had two hours to kill before I had to clock in to work, so I killed it scrolling on the computer.

    Not to let y'all in on more than you don't already know about me, but I tend to only use my desktop for music acquisition, writing and shopping -- the latter to more easily score cash back from Rakuten -- so it didn't hit me in the moment that I was operating any differently than before until I opened an email ad sent directly to me from AliExpress.
It should be noted that Al Gore's Rhythm puts in WORK on people like me and my email is often littered with advertisement for things I'd only THOUGHT about. Put a pin in that, we'll come back to it.

    While working, I got a request to cut a yard that I was not expecting, and I had time so I ran over and took care of it immediately after work. The yard paid me $50, which now leaves me with cash I hadn't been banking on. Factor in, now, that I only have to feed me for a couple of days and there ARE groceries in the house, eating out only cost me $13.51 and not $264.91. With the remaining $36.49, I remembered a conversation from the barber shop on the previous Saturday and played $10 on the absolute wildest-assed 13-leg parlay in a basketball game I had no plans of even watching. I then turned on the PlayStation and played Gran Turismo 7 for 9 hours.

    The next morning, I jumped out and cut the two yards that WERE on my schedule before coming home and soaking in a hot Epsom bath.
"Lemme check on that stupid ass bet" I thought as I dried off and got dressed. Get this y'all, every single leg of the parlay hit and $10 had turned into $2000!
I think to myself "Holy shit, I gotta call Wife Per--..." and my thought was interrupted by her VERY specifically telling me to "do whatever."

    The bills are all paid. This $2k was born of money I was not banking on receiving and multiplied on a random-ass occurrence... Y'know what? I'mma fully explore the depths of what "whatever" can mean. I went back to the computer to address something I saw in one of those algorithmic ads.

    Sunday evening rolls around, Ava comes home from my ex-wife a woman I had a wedding with once. I drop her with my mom for a minute and go retrieve Wife Person™ from the airport.
She and I have this thing we do when we have been away for a weekends trip or vacation where we take the Monday after we've returned off to rest up from the trip. She was off work, I was not but I also work from home so we were both in the house.

    I'm downstairs working and she is upstairs resting until a large delivery vehicle arrives with the *BEEP BEEP BEEP* backing into my beautiful lawn toward the back gate.
Oh shit, it's here!

Awakened by the commotion, she comes downstairs...

Wife Person™: "What the hell is that?"
Me: "I didn't expect it to arrive so fast! Must've been a US warehouse and I missed that"
Wife Person™: "What is it?"
Me (to the delivery guys): "Aye, set it down to the left of the patio next to the storage building!"
Wife Person™: "I know you hear me."
Me: "I'mma call Marcus and my brother, we can set it up on Saturday after the barber shop"
Wife Person™: "ANSWER ME!!! What is it?"
Me: "It's my Bastermation Room"
Wife Person™: "Your WHAT?!!?"


[Phlip Note: AliExpress gon be the death of me]


Me: "A room for me and me alone, I'll get a TV and a Hugh Heffner robe, probably another small computer out there and--..."
Wife Person: "How much did this cost, where did we get the money for this?"
Me: "Like 1900 bucks, I won it gambling"
Wife Person™: "You don't even masturbate, why the hell do you need a whole tiny house for that!?"
Me: "Bastermate, Wife Person™, bastermate... It's not so much that I will be using the room for THAT, as it will be that I'll use it for absolute solitude. I'll probably honestly only write in there. Calling it that just draws attention to the need for privacy."
Wife Person™: "Well maybe we could--..."
Me: "... NO! You gotta gamble and hit a 13-leg parlay and get your own, this one is mine and I ain't sharing the code to the lock."
Wife Person™: "Why would you do this?"
Me: "You told me to 'do whatever' and then left me without adult supervision. I gambled with money I didn't expect to be getting and won, so this is the 'whatever' I chose to do!"
Wife Person™: "Well your masturb-- bastermation room is now your doghouse. Get to assemblin' quickly!”

    Y'all, it's been 8 months since this happened and I am only allowed to sleep inside the house when she feels like it...
It has only in the last two weeks gotten seriously cold and I need one of y'all to talk to her so I can come back inside.
HALP!!!

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