In dealing with the self-involved...


Let’s face it… All of us know at least 4-5 people who are so terribly self-involved that everything done or talked about MUST be turned into a conversation about them. If not directly, eventually… Today, I will deal with two of those individuals.

Given this fact, we’re all well aware what a drain it can be to be FORCED to deal with such folks, so I thought to myself “self… we should devise a system in which these people are to be handled as deserved”

[Phlip note – yes I do talk to myself, and you do too, fuckers…]

Make note of the word “deserved” in that sentence, as it is not to be understood as “how they feel they deserve,” rather “what in the fuck they have earned.

Scene 1…

You: “my birthday’s coming up in a couple weeks… We’re gonna have a big party at so-and-so’s house, you should try to come”

Them: “oh wow, is it your birthday again already? That means it’s only a few months left til mine.”

You: “Yeah, you want the address to the party, you comin’?”

Them: “hmm… I wonder what I will do or where I will go for my birthday this year.”

You: “um, it’s April right now? Your birthday is not until the end of October.”

Them: “yeah, but you know my birthday is like this big EVENT every year, I gotta do it big”

You: “so yeah, I invited you to a party for mine… whaddyathink?”

Them: “oh, I don’t know if I’mma be able to make it to that”

One thing of note in this conversation is that talking about yourself vs talking about someone else as established is just like a 4-way stop sign when no one is turning right – first come, first serve…

If the conversation is started with a topic, and that topic might be about ANYONE/ANYTHING in the universe – whether or not it is one of the participants in the conversation – any chance taken to turn that conversation into a conversation on one’s self makes them a dick…
Or a “dickbitch,” as my fiancée calls them when they happen to have come equipped with a vagina.

Worry not!
We have devised a plan with which to deal with these people.
Keep in mind, now, that THIS conversation takes place after you have extended the two more strikes to the individual to be in attendance at your event, only to have them flake out in the most passive-aggressive manner. It ALSO happens to be – and this is the kicker – ONE day after their birthday. Do not call, text, tweet or facebook them on their birthday. It is EXTREMELY fun to do this when you know so many people that EVERY day is a birthday on your FB friends list, as they will see you “happy birthday’ing” all your friends and family, and then NOT them.
Normally, it would be just fine to stop at this, as usually they will have seen this taken place. The fact remains that someone of that mindset usually has the worst tunnel vision and you’ll have to be a little more succinct with it, and I will tell you how…

First, make a phonecall

Them: “Hello?”


Them: “um, dick… my birthday was yesterday?”

You: “nah uh, it’s today”

Them: “I think I know my own birthday”

You: “hold up, lemme check” **typing furiously** “facebook says here that it’s--… oh shit, damn, my bad. Oops!”

Them: “didn’t you see me talking about it on facebook and twitter”

You: “uh… did you talk to ME about it?”

Them: “I been talking to you about it for months now, remember?”

You: “I remember you making my birthday party a conversation about your own”

This is usually all it will take for this person to take the conversation down in a ball of “whatever” flames and change the subject to avoid facing having brought this shit on themselves.

[Phlip note – either that or they’re LeBron James and will go on a “what do you want me to do?” rant on their twitter. Either way, be prepared to exchange very few pleasantries with this person in the near or probably distant future]

Scene 2…
This one is easiest, as it requires ZERO action on your part.
We all know someone who is an attention whore, and any attention is “good enough,” be it good or bad. We all see the FB posts, we all see the tweets and get the text messages. Hell, some of these people, we even encounter in person (like who does THAT shit anymore these days?) and will for SURE fishing not only for attention, but commentary to prove that attention.

“This weekend, I/I’m gonna…”

“Well, I was…”

“I think…”

“I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I…”

If you could apply one of those filters to their daily conversation patterns like some people do with keywords used in their blogs, the words most employed would be – head and shoulders above ANYTHING else – would be “I,” “me” and “my…”
And it wouldn’t be close.

All you need to do with these people is NOTHING. Don’t engage it, do not acknowledge it any further than to acknowledge ONLY that something was said, but do not go as far as to validate their self-assigned value (poorly) hidden in their words. If this means saying nothing at all, even if having to take the point of completely ignoring them, then so be it. The worst thing to do a raging dopefiend is to deny them their dope. Guess what an attention whore’s dope is?
Hint: it does NOT originate from ketamine.

Game. Set. Match… back to life.

Put a pin in this conversation, I may revisit this subject often and continuously.


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