True Story© - In the Strip Club

True story©…

For all of my age-37 obsession with all things titties, some might be shocked to learn that I was 19 or 20 before I EVER set foot in a strip club. I tend to forget which it was due to early 1998 through late 2001 being a 3.5-year blur. To be totally honest, the first one wasn’t even an actual real strip club, it was an after-hours kickback that a then-coworker took me to one night after work in a pool hall in High Point that had either just closed for the night or was recently driven out of business. Total fucking disaster now that I look back on it. I ain’t naming who I went with because he is on my friends list and married now.

Anyway, we stopped to cash out for some singles on the way there and when we arrive I’m like “dude, this isn’t a strip club” and being older than me, he assures me we were where we intended to be. We get in and a couple of his homies are already there, already drinking, I am like “where the fuck did liquor come from?” and next thing I know there is a FULL glass of gin in my hand. This was a couple of months before I quit drinking gin for another reason. Yes, I know I said I was 19 or 20, but we're in the bootleg spot, not at The Rack Room.

(yeah, I know, but how the fuck was I supposed to know that a place called “Rack Room” had nothing to do with titties?)

I was getting a little money for where I was in life, so I brought a reasonable amount out of the house with me just in case. After a few minutes shooting the shit with the homies, a dancer comes up to me. Slim, little titties - TOTALLY not my type - and offers me a dance. I should mention that consistent to how I am now 18 years later, despite having a pocket full of money, I was a bit of a spendthrift and never having been to a strip club before it became avant garde to throw money in the air to make other patrons look weak and broker than one’s self, so I paid the stripper to my level of satisfaction with the lap dance. I mean, she looked pretty good, she grinded in the right spots and undressed slowly but the fact of the matter remained that my Richard was still in my pants (not that I ever have or will pay for sex, but put a pin in that for later in the story), my hand was brushed away when I tried to touch and all she was doing was dancing anyway, so I pulled out a single at a time. Song ends, and she is like “this is $3, can I at LEAST get a $5 for the song?” Totally unfamiliar with strip club life, I just gave her the two bucks and walked off.

Back with the big homie, his roommates and one of their homeboys, who was actually married at the time, I walk up on the conversation at the “yeah, I think I am about to go and f*ck this bish, you got change for a hunnit?” as he wrestles with his wedding band. Without question, someone makes his change and he disappears upstairs and comes back a few minutes later, concerned about how he will explain to his wife why he “smell like hoe” when he gets home. Two hours, three gins and two lapdances (but only $20, I told you I’m cheap as fuck), I chuckled and continued to take in the atmosphere.

Another dancer, this one more my taste, approaches and notices that I hadn’t “done” much that night and asked if I wanted to go upstairs. To be honest, I looked at prodigious titties, considered what I had in my pocket at that moment and what was in my dresser at my house and my mind LITERALLY thought “dude, Kim is holding the new flightposites at Foot Action in the morning!” and politely (or at least as politely as ‘nah, I’m good’ can be) declined.

(Phlip note: my foot hasn't grown since I was 14, so I still own those shoes)

Okay, it is like 3am now, I was beholden to however long the cat I rode with intended to stay and now he was finally ready. Felt like we had been in this place for days, not 3 or 4 hours. Good thing I was riding, because I was FITSHACED on all that gin we bought. The homie drops me off at the house on his way to the country and I could not set foot in another strip club – this time an ACTUAL strip club – until I was 22.

Hell, now that I think about it, I don't think I have been inside of one since, what, 2006-2007ish?


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