True Story©... The Job Interview

True Story©…

                Confidence is EVERYTHING.
I realize that I have been using this space to tell silly stories with little in the sphere of life lessons.  For that, I apologize and intend to make it up to you.  Today’s discussion is how having your chest out and being confident can go FAR in getting you where you want and need to be.
Since the only way I know to tell you these things is through a totally real anecdotal True Story© of things that have happened in my life, we will peek in on me in a job interview from back when I first got home from the Military…

                Interviewer: “Well Mr Evans, what can you tell us about yourself?”

                Me: “Well as indicated on my CV here, I am recently home from the military.”

                Interviewer: “Oh?  Which branch?”

                Me: “Basically whichever they needed me in on a particular day, I am what you might call a specialist.”

                Interviewer: “And where did you serve?”

                Me: “Vietnam, sir.”

                Interviewer: “V-V…   Vietnam?  You are aware, Mr Evans, that is it now 1998, correct?”

                Me: “Well aware sir, war is tragic and usually solves nothing.”

                Interviewer: “Uh…  Never mind that.  Looking over your resume here, you certainly describe an impressive skillset.”

                Me: “Thank you, sir.”

                Interviewer: “If chosen, when would you be able to begin work?”

                Me: “’If,’ sir?  WHEN you hire me, I am ready to go.  In fact, I will clock in right now.  Where do I take the picture for my badge?”

                Interviewer: “Well, we have some things to work out first, like the background check, and--…”

                Me: “Background check?  Do you not believe I am a Vietnam veteran as a special agent in three different branches of the military?”

                Interviewer: “It’s not that, it’s that standard procedure has it that--…”

                Me: “Standard procedure has you NOT supporting the troops?”

                Interviewer: “It’s not that, it is that we must--…”

                Me: “Oh, I get it…  This is the part for salary negotiation.”

                Interviewer: “Well, that too…”

                Me: “Cool, I will take two million.”

                Interviewer: “Dollars?”

                Me: “You get it.  I like you!”

                Interviewer: “I don’t think this is a two million a year position, I don’t even make that and I--…”

                Me: “You just got to try harder, Geoff, and you can get to that point one day.  Right now, though?  I know my worth, and I am taking two million up front.”

                Interviewer: “Up…  Front?”

                Me: “How else will I be able to give my unbridled commitment to your company if you can’t give it to me?”

                Interviewer: “You’re certainly nothing if not prepared.”

                Me: “Yeah, and that receptionist out front?”

                Interviewer: “Yes?”

                Me: “Can she be a part of my contract negotiation here?”

                Interviewer: “But she’s married.”

                Me: “I just want to SEE those titties, I don’t need to touch them.”

                Interviewer: “…”

                Me: “Look, you’re telling me you see that fine-ass woman with them prodigious gazungas EVERY SINGLE DAY and not once thought something?”

                Interviewer: “Mr Evans, I am a professional.”
[Note: he kinda grinned when I said “gazungas”]

                Me: “That was a yes or no question.  Never mind for now.  Now that we’re in the midst of negotiations, have settled on two million as my salary with viewing a certain pair of breasts as a later option, when do I start.”

                Interviewer: “Wait, what?”

                Me: “Have we not been negotiating the terms of my employment since you first asked when I would be able to start?”

                Interviewer: “I’m afraid that this is not how this works.”

                Me: “And now we’re back to you insulting and disrespecting veterans.”

                Interviewer: “No, I’m not--…”

                Me: “And hogging all of the titties for yourself.”

                Interviewer: “Can we stop talking about Mrs. Pickard’s breasts, please?”

                Me: “I thought you’d never ask.  So…  two million it is, and I start when?  Today?”

                Interviewer: “Hold on a minute, I never said--…”

                Me: “Right, it is Wednesday, you don’t want to start someone new in the middle of a pay week.  You can either backdate my hire day to Monday, or I will simply start on this coming Monday.”

                Interviewer: “But…”

                Me: “Ball’s in your court, buddy…  Take that shot.”

                Interviewer: “SECURITY!!!”


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