True Story©… Workin' Sex


     In approximately 53 days I will have been working from the comfort of my home for three years…  While home, I have access to the whole of the internet on my phone and/or personal laptop right here next to the work PC without the constraints placed on by my employer.  That means that no one will question what is on my screen on Twitter, Reddit or whatever social media app I may so happen to have open at any given time.

     The funny thing about the Twitter algorithm is that it seems to suggest similarities to things you may have posted, followed or liked, no matter how long ago that may have been.  That said, I get a lot of suggestions about hip hop, politics and titties.

Today, we will talk a subject adjacent that last one…

     Something I have noticed, especially in my perusal of Reddit and Twitter and through unsolicited contacts on Instagram, is that these Covid years have created a new class of “Sex Workers” who don’t have to do, y’know…  actual fucking.
Display names of suggested follows on Twitter include shit like “$5 DM fee” or basically a whole price list for sexy-but-not-sexual acts.  “Not sexual” is inferred because they invariably include “no meet ups,” which is smart money when one is trying not to be sexually assaulted but also suggestive that fuckage is trying to be avoided.

     I’m not here to discuss or debate the validity of virtual sex work – personally I PREFER not to have free agent butt dispensaries out distributing rounds of applause (<-- see what I did there?) – I’m here to discuss what happened to me.

     Like I said, Twitter and Reddit users seem to tend to be fine in their own lanes and receiving whatever attention is to be directed to them.  Both platforms are nudity-friendly and simple thirst will drive business while the product sells itself.  Live and let live, if you will…
Instagram, on the other hand?  Sheeeeeitt…

This HAS to have happened to a bunch of people, because it KEEPS happening to me.

Step 1 – Receive a new follower
Step 2 – Follow back
Step 3 – “[new follower person] has sent you a message”

What happens next depends on specifically what kind of hustle said "new follower" is running, because it MIGHT be a “Forex Trader” looking to separate you from some of your hard-earned under the guise of making you an instant millionaire.  It is usually, though, someone who has reached you through a possibly local mutual who has a different game to detach a few bucks from you.
I’m paraphrasing here because the users are either gone from Instagram or have blocked me.

Instathot: “Hello, how are you?”

Me: “Hi”

Instathot: “Where are you located”

Me: “North Carolina”

Instathot: “What do you do?”

Make note of what of what I will say next, because I am sure to stay ahead of even any PERCEIVED improprieties to be potentially captured in screenshots.

Me: “I work from home, here with the wife and kids.”

Instathot: [sexy picture]

Me: “Interesting”

Instathot: “Where in NC are you?”

Me: “Greensboro”


Let’s take a quick break here…
NORMALLY “instathot” here would direct me to her onlyfans link, or straight up ask me to Cashapp her some money, which she would ostensibly accept and provide me with custom pictures or video in return.  Invariably, I ask them for their Cashapp name, and then instead of SENDING them money, I REQUEST $75 and then I block them on Insta,

This one?  This one is different.
Let’s continue…

Instathot: [video entering a motel room, proceeds to soak cork] “Oh?  Well I am at the Quality Inn and Suites on Meadowview if you wanna come partake.  Call me at 267-xxx-xxxx when you’re on the way.”

Me: “Uh…  no thank you.”

Instathot: “Why not?”

Me: “For one, I am working and more importantly, I am married.”

Instathot: “It ain’t no big deal.”

Me: “It’s a huge deal.”

Instathot: “Look, you making this out to be way more than it needs to be.  You being a little bitch right now.”

Me: “Good day, ma’am…  All the luck on your sales mission.”

She was still typing when I unfollowed her and placed her under “restricted” to keep her out of my DM box.

     Then I sat and thought about it…
This woman just called ME a "bitch" because I would rather be in my house earning my living and being responsibly married than to entertain risking EVERYTHING for a windy off of random unsolicited message from some random Philly jawn?

[Phlip note: crikey, I'm on fire this week!]

Besides, what if she was trying to set me up to rob me instead of the blowjay?

     Fuck that…  I’m making a phonecall.

Operator: “Hello, Greensboro Police Department, officer [redacted] speaking”

Me: “Before I get started, this is the non-emergency number, right?”

Officer: “Correct, sir”

Me: “Okay…  So if I was solicited for prostitution, what is my recourse?”

Officer: “You would tell us whom and where this take place and how we might be able to locate the solicitor.”

Me: “Well…  It was on Instagram.”

Officer: “Uhh…”

Me: “BUT!!!  She gave me a phone number and location.”

Officer: “Wow”

Me: “Right!  The phone number is 267-xxx-xxxx and she invited me to the Quality Inn and Suites Motel on West Meadowview.  The one across the street from Hooters.”

[Phlip Note: I probably didn’t need to include that last part]

Officer: “You didn’t need to include that last part.”

Me: “Yeah, I thought of that after I said it.”

Officer: “I will need your name and contact information for the report if you can.”

Oh shit…  This is the real Police Department and I am on my real phone number, traceable to my real name…  “Moe Phillips” ain’t gonna work here.

Me: “I fear retribution and would rather not, but my name is [redacted] and we both know you have my phone number and will use that to find me for whatever task legally required of me.”

Officer: “…”

Me: “Thank you for your time.”

Officer: “Have a good day, sir.”

     And with that, the call was over.
My prior mention of Covid-era sex work being ironically sexless may have come across as a bit of a complaint, but being called a “bitch” because I value married life over paying for a motel room sickduck was ridiculous.  So ridiculous, indeed, that I HAD to call the cops on her ass.

     I was never contacted back about anything, so I am guessing that the PD never actually pursued her for illegally soliciting sex.
Ehh well…  I did my part.


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