True Story©… Domino (Effect), Mofo!


     Lying is…  Difficult.
Think about it, you have to fashion the falsehood or prevarication against the conversation that necessitated it and then you have to SUPPORT the shit by remembering what you said and not tripping up on it.  Most people’s memories – short or long term – just aren’t built to be remembering that kind of thing.  It is much easier to just tell the truth and deal with what may come of it when it is time to do so.

     Unless you’re telling a stinker that you will never have to answer for…
Then lying is not only easy, but actually kind of fun.

And that is the kind of lie we are gonna deal with today!

     Once upon a time, after my days with my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once, I found myself to have quite a bit of time on my hands and no desire to “people” enough to seek anyone to do things with.  One thing I used to enjoy doing was to just hop in a car and ride around a while, taking in the scenery of the city and listening to amazing music.  The price of gas keeps me from doing that now, and the serious fact of the matter has trended toward that off and on since Hurricane Katrina if we’re being honest.

     With that said, I either stay the fuck home, or I drive direct to my adventure where I can park and shut the car off so as to not waste gas sitting still.

     So one day, I thought about it and thought to myself “you’ve legit not been on a city bus since 1999 or so” so instead of firing up one of mine, I strolled it across the street to the bus stop and caught a bus out to the car dealerships on the west side of town.
Why here, you ask?
Well, dear reader…  Car salespeople are paid a handsome-enough commission to stand and talk to people they normally might not have otherwise on the very real chance of building a relationship that leads to them receiving 15% of the difference between what the dealership paid for the car and what you did.  Get it?  That means there is money in them sitting there listening to you for their moment to make an “in.”

     So here I am, being watched getting off of public transit and walking RIGHT up to the first car dealer on the row.  I know I’m being watched because the second I was off the grass and in the lot there were three salesmen out of the lobby wanting to be the first one I made eye contact with.
Nah, I’mma make y’all work for this.  I looked into the windows of the cars at the edge until someone came over and introduced.  After a Rochambeau or rock-paper-scissors or whatever they do to decide whose turn it is, I was approached.

Salesman: “Good afternoon!”

Me: “Afternoon to you as well.”

Salesman: “What brings you in today?”

Me: “Looking at my options.”

Salesman: “Anything you had in mind?”

Me: “Not particularly, just now kinda getting my situations in order to make the move.”

Salesman: “Do you have a trade-in?”

Me: “Ha, you saw me get off that bus.”

Salesman: “Haha…  Guilty as charged.”

Me: “Yeah, I lost my last car.”

Salesman: “’Lost’?  How?”

Me: “Long, LOOOONG story.”

Salesman [gesturing around]: “We got time today.”

[Phlip note: you’ve probably wondered why I named this story ‘Domino,’ huh?]

Me: “Well first of all, despite the fact that I paid for it, it was in my exes name because I’d had a DUI a few years prior.”

Salesman: “We’ve heard that before.  More than you’d expect honestly.”

Me: “No, I get that…  But then I lost my job.”

Salesman: “Ooh…”

Me: “Yeah, but I lost it while trying to get another one.”

Salesman: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Yeah, drug testing.”

Salesman: “Wow”

Me: “Right…  I’d had one of my homegirls provide me with some of HER urine for the testing.”

Salesman: “Okay”

Me: “But she ain’t tell me she was pregnant!”

Salesman: “…”

Me: “So the test for me, born male, came back clear of narcotics but questionable because I was 'pregnant'.”

Salesman: “Uh oh.”

Me: “So now my lady, who I lived with at the time, wants to know ‘who is this bitch’ I had providing me with urine for drug testing.”

Salesman: “Problems at home.”

Me: “Tell me about it.”

Salesman: “But you still had your old job, right?”

Me: “’Had’”

Salesman: “Huh?”

Me: “A manager heard me telling my homeboy on lunch what had happened.”

Salesman: “No!?”

Me: “Right…  Two days later, I got flagged for a random.”

Salesman: “Oops”

Me: “So yeah, my lady comes to pick me up and take me to the center.  Knowing it would come back hot if it was mine, she came prepared with some of hers for me.”

Salesman: “So you in the clear, right?”

Me: “Wrong”

Salesman: “HOW!?”

Me: “Because the manager had overheard me, they tested IT for pregnancy as well”

Salesman: “And--…”

Me: “… wouldn’t ya damned know it, this broad is pregnant and ain't know it yet!”

Salesman: “Unreal!”


Salesman: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Couldn’t be, because I had never told her about my secret vasectomy the year before I met her!”

Salesman: “Oh my god!”

Me: “So now, I have been fired for falsifying a piss test, find out my girl is preggo with a baby that can’t be mine and to top it off I’m finna lose my car.”

Salesman: “But why lose the car?  You paid for it, right?”

Me: “Straight Cash, Homie”

Salesman: “So how lose it?”

Me: “Cash…  Bill of sale and all paperwork went straight to her name.”

[Phlip note: … and now all the dominos have fallen]

Salesman: “Ouch!”

Me: “Tell me about it.”

Salesman: “But here you are now, you’ve gotten your affairs back in order and you’re ready to get back in the game!”

Me: “Yeppers”


     So we pick and test drive a car, I provide him with my info and he runs my credit.  Comes back pleased to inform that I can afford a good portion of what they have on the lot.
But he has some concerns…

Salesman: “Your application says you’ve been with your employer for four years.”

Me: “Right”

Salesman: “And your license has been in good standing since 2004”

Me: “Verily”

Salesman: “But, you told me--…”

Me: “…  indeed I did”

Salesman: “But…  Why?”

Me: “We were both bored and needed a little story time to spice things up a bit.”

     While he sat aghast, I checked my watch and quickly gathered the folder with my personal effects and excused myself from his cubicle before he could attempt to stop me.  Just as I arrived back to the curb, the bus arrived.

I returned my happy ass home and resumed my (then-single) life of honesty and returned to work the following Monday.


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