True Story©… Serial Entrepreneurship

 

     It’s rare that I just get to be “me” anymore.  My life is pretty mundane to be honest.  Work, clean, daddy/husband, sobriety…  Rinse/repeat.  I find myself in need of an outlet, sometimes to the point where I seek mischief to entertain myself.  Not unlike a puppy learning to test your limits.

     Sometimes the “mischief” finds me.  Sometimes even still, the mischief finds me from prior shit.  We’ll call that the wheel of mischief.

     Moe fuckin’ Phillips…  That guy will be the death of me one of these days.
I’m minding my business on my couch on lunch three weeks ago and “Moe’s” burner phone rings…

[Phlip note: I dunno WHY the hell I keep that thing]

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Is this Moe?”

Me: “Indeed it is”

Caller: “I got your number from a friend of mine who says you have given sage business advice--…”

Me: “I wouldn’t call the advice ‘sage’ so much as ‘damn near criminal’ but continue?”

Caller: “Well I’m in a bit of a pickle and need--….”

Me: “Look homie, I got enough problems at home and I don’t have money to lend.”

Caller: “Oh, oh no!  I was saying I need some side hustle ideas.”

Me: “What’re your skills?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “What do you do for a living?”

Caller: “IT, I build and support mobile applications.”

Me: “And you ain’t got MONEY?”

Caller: “It’s not as lucrative as one might think.  People don’t like to PAY for apps and are outwardly hostile to being advertised to.”

Me: “I’m sorry, say that last part again?  I was updating my adblocker.”

Caller: “See? I was--…”

Me: “I’m messing with you.”

Caller: “Haha…  So what do you think?”

Me: “You gotta change up the game.”

Caller: “How?”

Me: “If you can’t advertise, or make your app something to pay for then you gotta sell a service.”

Caller: “Like what?”

Me: “Something in the vein of an Uber Eats, or DoorDash…  Grubhub and the likes.  Sell a service with your app!”

Caller: “But you just named the three that have that market cornered.”

Me: “Bigger.”

Caller: “What!?”

Me: “Think BIGGER!”

Caller: “I’m all ears”

Me: “I call it…  WhoreDash”

Caller: “What the--…”

Me: “It is an app for escorts to be transported to and from their…  um, ‘dates’ in exchange for a percentage of the fee.”

Caller: “Wow”

Me: “Yeah, the driver picks her up and takes her to the place, stays and provides security if she needs it--…”

Caller: “Wowsers”

Me: “--…  and then they collect their fees when she is transported back to her own spot.”

Caller: “Isn’t that kind of like pimping?”

Me: “Listen, ‘kind of like’ is in enough of a legal gray area for reasonable doubt.”

Caller: “But the name, ‘Whore Dash’?”

Me: “You need something that rolls off the tongue, sticks in the mind.”

Caller: “Right”

Me: “So yeah, brand recognition.”

Caller: “This is crazy.”

Me: “Most genius ideas contain just enough ‘crazy’ to work.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Caller: “What if one of the drivers takes a fare to one of these…  ‘dates’ and gets jammed up for prostitution?  Won’t the driver be implicated in the commission of that crime?”

Me: “Option one: make sure your drivers have recording equipment with them.  Prostitution is illegal.  Pornography is not.”

Caller: “I’m afraid to ask what other options there are.”

Me: “Commit a different, better crime.”

Caller: “WHAT?!!?”

Me: “Yeah…  You have a dude in a questionable spot, ostensibly with his dick in his hand – perhaps literally – and apparently money to bur--…”

Caller: “So ROB them?”

Me: “THAT’S THE SPIRIT!!!”

Caller: “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Me: “Look…  You called me for ideas.  There is nothing to suggest you have to like them.”

Caller: “Ugh…”

Me: “You said ‘side hustle’ and I am heavy on the ‘hustle’ part.  If you rob a dude while he is trying to buy some honey hole, he is likely to be too embarrassed to call the cops on you.”

Caller: “This is some super villain shit.”

Me: “Nah, I promised Santa Claus.”

Caller: “What!?”

Me: “Nothing…  Don’t worry bout it.”

Caller: “Let’s say I do do this--…”

Me: “Heh…  doo-doo”

Caller: “Let’s say I follow through with this…  What is your cut?”

Me: “This one is on me, ‘less you wanna slide me a few bucks as a ‘thank you’ after you pull this off.”

Caller: “But why?”

Me: “Because legally--…”

Caller: “But you said--…”

Me: “--…  because legally, this phone call never happened.”

Caller: “But you said…”

Me: “Oh shit, you’re breaking up!”

Caller: “But, but”

Me: “Oh damn, my dog just went into labor.”

Caller: “Listen!”

Me: “Holy fuck, Barack Obama just dunked on LeBron James!”

Caller: “WHAT?!!?”

Me: “CRANK CALLER, CRANK CALLER!”

Caller: “This is ridiculous”

     And with that, he finally hung up.
I have been watching the Google Play store and randomly searching the web for APK files on the chance this guy actually tried to do what I--…  err, Moe, suggested for him and what the throughput involved.  Thus far, nothing has shaken.

     I’ve reached the conclusion that if I used these powers for good – hell if I COULD use these powers for good – I might be a rich rich man by now.
Here I am though, head full of highly questionable ideas and still broke.