True Story©... Close Encounters

 

(artist's reenactment...  My Outback is actually white)



    There is fun to be had out in the world. Given other responsibilities, I am not exactly able to take advantage of as many of them as I might like, but we do what we can…

    As it is now spring and I will have a steady infusion of disposable income as I watch over four (and hopefully counting) paying yards with my trusty lawn equipment, I had some time and a few nickels to rub together last weekend.
Saturday morning, Wife Person™ shoved off to teach you people’s children in Saturday test-prep season and I hauled out to cut a couple of yards. I returned home before she did after collecting my fee plus tips. As the little was with my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once, it was just the two of us and the dogs.

    One thing we like to do when it is just us grownups is to escape up to the mountains for a day or two. Since, again, the little would be returning on Sunday afternoon and our preferred spot is only about two hours away, we packed up the boys and a single change of clothes and headed toward Blowing Rock. If we could find a cabin that was friendly to my buddies and had some availability, then we would stay the night and come home at checkout but if not it was just a day trip to eat in a dog-friendly place and take some pics. We would decide on the way; making this one of my favorite kinds of road trips.

    We secured a room for one night at a small spot named Alpine Village Inn, we’d stayed there before when Thunder was still a puppy back when the world opened back up and they happened to have a vacancy.
Check-in was just as simple as I recall from 2020 and we got the little guys’ crates inside the room and let Yeti stay out of his and prayed for the best. We went to eat at a small spot with outdoor dining and only took Yeti with us, since he happens to be the most social of the dogs and can be trusted to shut the hell up in public with people and/or other dogs. We tossed him a fry or three or five over the course of the meal and walked around downtown with him a bit with random people reminding him what a cute and good big boy he is before heading back to the inn to plan out the next day.

    At checkout, we packed everything in the car and decided to take a little sightseeing walk in the woods with the boys. I would take Yeti and Wife Person™ would hold Bruiser and Thunder’s leashes. It was a warm-ish day, so we were comfortable out in the wilderness. There weren’t many people on the trail so we had no issues out of the small dogs whatsoever. As we got to the top of the trails, I had to pee BAD and wasn’t about to duckwalk all the way back down to where the bathrooms were. If I can let my dogs relieve themselves out here than dammit I can too. I wrapped Yetimer’s leash around my wrist and found a tree to go behind in case someone who DOESN’T see my pænis on a regular basis should happen to walk by.
Why am I spending so much time describing sneaking off the path to piss? Thank you for asking!
As I finish and button my shorts back up, Yeti starts growling and his hackles are up. I can tell you with absolute certainty that this ONLY happens when the little is playing with the neighborhood kids in the street in front of the house and someone who is NOT one of those kids walks into his line of sight. Anyone who has seen or heard me talk about this enormous dog knows full-well that he is the happiest dog I have ever had. He has the patience of a saint, even when a too-small-to-be-verbal kid is pulling on his ears and tail. I say that to say that if HE is acting as if there is a threat, then you should be reaching for a weapon.

… except it was broad-ass daylight and I ain’t seeing shit!

    I might have thought I heard something move around but by the time I was back in the clear, I saw nothing.

Wife Person™: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “I’ono.”

Wife Person™: “What’s happening?”

Me: “Yeti is acting like something is wrong out here, but I don’t see anything.”

Wife Person™: “What is it, Buddy?”

Me: “Ma’am! He’s not fuckin’ Lassie, it ain’t like he will just jump to action and–…”

Wife Person™: “… if bigfoot out here and gonna beat Pop up and you have to drive us home?”

Me: “Not funny.”

Wife Person™: “Well what if it is bigfoot?”

Me: “We’re the wrong color to be out here looking for shit like sasquatches and shit.”

Wife Person™: “You’re a skeptic.”

Me: “Clearly”

Wife Person™: “Well your dog seems to think something is awry.”

Me: “I’m looking for a Robert Cat or a cougar or something.”

Wife Person™: “A ‘Robert Cat’?”

Me: “We’re grown, ‘Bob’ is for kids or specifically older balding men.”

Wife Person™: “Shut up.”

Me: “I will, but I am keeping this knife ready!”


    While we walked back down the trail back toward the parking lot at the bottom, Yeti CONTINUED to pull at the leash and growl at lord-knows-what. I continued to look around and still saw nothing. Either he was depending on his puppydog sense of smell or was seeing a ghost.
… or maybe it WAS Bigfoot.


Wife Person™: “Let’s get the hell out of here before he yanks your arm off.”

Me: “Yeah, my phone is about dead too, we need to get on into the car and plug it in.”

Wife Person™: “Mine is low too. You gon’ need GPS?”

Me: “Nah, I know my way home from out here by now.”


    We reach the parking lot and get the little guys into their crates in the back hatch of the wagon and usher the big man into the back seat where he still behaved as if he was on edge. We sit down and I plug in, then just as I prepare to start the car Yeti LOSES HIS SHIT!!! If you have ever been inside of a car from where someone fired a pistol, then you understand why my ears were still ringy on Monday morning, his big bark is that big. This time, though, he was looking in a direction and I will be DAMNED if – no shit – a fucking Sasquatch was ambling across the parking lot in our direction.

    I was NOT about to be in a position to deal with this thing face to face, so I went ahead and started the car and threw it in gear, in time to see that his “ambling” was now a considerably less-relaxed pace.
Why the FUCK was there nobody else out here on this trail or in this parking lot but us? And damned if my phone didn’t yet have the juice to record this situation in front of me.
I managed to get the car moving and bust as efficient a u-turn as I could maneuver in an AWD car of that size and keep Bigfoot behind us, and turned to Wife Person™

Me: “You VIDEOING this shit!?”

Wife Person™ (hold up the unconnected charger end): “Fool, phone dead as yours and you plugged into the charger first!”

Me: “Shit!”


    So here we are…
I cannot hold a gun to your head and make you believe in Sasquatches. Unfortunately, I was too busy fending to survive the encounter to be able to create any evidence. I came in a skeptic, but now I am a believer that we are the third Bigfoot sighting in Watauga county.

    I am just BEYOND thankful for my buddy Yetimer Bartholomew for being as interested in my protection as he has been my love and attention. I will grab him some pig liver this weekend for his loyal service.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

True Story©... Yoga With Puppies

Ghetto-ass names; they're my birth control