True Story

Okay, so I got a new job, but I was unsure what the hell the company was, there was no literature or signage on the building.
Weird, because the building itself, on the outside, was the same building I worked in at AT&T...

Anyway, first day, the other newbs and myself are met in the lobby by the HR rep, and led to an elevator (one that was not there in my 5+ years there, mind you). We got on the elevator and were taken to the 4th floor (though the building only has 3).

On the elevator trip up, all I can think is "damn, this elevator is fast as hell," and another girl mentions it out loud... Anyway, the first day is breezed through, simply filling out and signing W-9 forms, selecting benefits and reading company protocols and yaddayaddayadda, you know how it is when you start a new place of employment. We're taken on a tour of the building and I see people I know, but there is STILL no indication of what the hell the company is.

Next day, I arrive to work about 20 minutes before 8am, as is customary for me when I am able and allowed to do so. I get on that same elevator and this time, I am alone... I hit the button and it jerks to action... *BLINGBLINGBLING* and I am whisked through 3 floors, and it doesn't seem to be slowing well enough for me to stop on the 4th floor.
*BLAM* and I am gone through the fucking roof, floating off like Willy Wonka with Charlie and his granddad at the end of the movie, except I have forcefully blown through a roof and there is debris all over the fucking place.

This is where it gets funny.

"Okay, I am dreaming," I think out loud to myself. Yeah, I had convinced myself I was having a dream about some strange shit like this. Cool, I will do as these dreams always go when I am falling, getting shot at or I am in some kinda spec-damned-tacular auto wreck doing some otherwise mundane shit. I yawn, close my eyes, expecting to find myself back asleep, then I would wake up, sit up, lay back down and all would be fine.
One thing...
"Fuck, was that gravity? I'M GOING DOWN!!!"
It wasn't a dream, and now I am falling. Yeah, I know this all feels like a long-ass time to be going through this when I should have gone down long before, but the whole shit happened like it was in movie time. Okay, I have conceded that I am going to hit the ground hard, I might be shaking loose the mortal coil when I touch down, so I apologize to White Jesus for all the bullshit I might have done down through these years and *BANG* on the ground I hit.

"Wait, I ain't dead?!!?" is the first thing I think, immediately followed by "FUUUUUCK, MY BACK!!!"
I roll over and crawl from the wreckage and my car is parked in the field behind the building, the one right between the building and the Jewish retirement community down at the end of Wireless Drive. I look up to the building, and there are people in the window looking at what has just transpired, but NO ONE can seem to be bothered to DO shit about it. I struggle to my feet and stumble to the building, noting to myself that the elevator has only narrowly missed landing on my car. "Wait, what the FUCK?!!? I didn't park that there!" but I swiftly dismiss it in my drive to get in the building and possibly some medical attention or SOMETHING.
Now, however, my issue is that I don't trust the other elevator, and I have to take the stairs... I am a decently strong dude, so no real problem there, I finally get to the 4th floor, and when I get there -- from the other end of the building, keep in mind, since I had just blown the other side smooth off -- I DON'T KNOW MY FUCKING WAY AROUND!!! I am dirty, hobbling, and no one seems to be able to point me in the right direction. This goes on for about what FELT like 2 hours real-life time. Again, I am seeing people I know, but I am yet unsure of what my "department" is, so no one can get me to where I need to be. Dejected, I find a break room, sit down with a cup of coffee and then...


Snapped back to reality, dream over and it was 5:37am... I went to piss and slept for one more hour.

I SWEAR, I think I am better when I CAN'T remember my fucking dreams


Wayne Edwards said…
my reading comprehension sucks ass at 3am. I was like... "really, did he go flying through the roof?" LOL!

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