Blameshifting, redefined... -- an SMPF discussion

And when I say "redefined," I really just mean more of the same old shit...

It seems I am getting more to discuss on the blog from my emails these days. I will take that to mean I am getting more in my email than images of questionable work-safety from the guys... Sometimes we even talk about grown man business.
I will not out the person who asked this question due to the private nature (though I DO have permission to blog this).

The email, as it came in, was...

"Ok fellas, I need the entire group on this one. This is one of those that should not be facebooked but is absolutely damned serious... and I'm still rather furious about this.

Ok so I'm with the S/O this afternoon and while in the truck she just busts out of nowhere and asks me this question:

'So are you gay or on the DL?'

I looked at her crazy and said 'What?' just so I can make sure I heard her right. So she repeats it!

First thing that comes out of my mouth was 'How the HELL are you gonna come at me like that??' So at this point the anger kicks in and I'm doing everything in my power not to throw her out of the truck.

But gentlemen, I ask from your perspectives, what is an appropriate response to if your girl just asks you that very question?"

[Phlip note - the ONLY response I will assign ownership of in this conversation will be my own]

First response was...

"Because of the super hyper faux macho bullshit most of these chicks are attracted to. Something different must be gay. In todays reality show //mediatakeout climate. You are either gay or a thug no inbetween so you aren't a thug whats left? The response is 'well I am on the fence fuck the sissy out of me '"

Following a 25-minute drive to work, I hammered out what I had been thinking about in my response, which was...

"In addition to what was just said above, the issue is just as much what the media has been feeding black women for the last 10 years...

'''Strong Independent black women' are not getting married, and nothing in the world could be wrong with us, so it MUST be black men who are the problem!''

After the first assault on black male masculinity -- in which black women felt they must wear the pants, and therefore driving men away from them -- following Waiting to Exhale and movies of that ilk, where they were led to believe that 'white bitches' were stealing men from them, out of nowhere comes the next, and even worse charge.

''If black men don't like black women, they MUST be teh ghey!''

They had all the media trimmings for it too... A couple of those patented 'black pr0n novelists' coming out of the closet around the same time some n**ga was on Oprah telling every woman that her man had a secret fetish to ride the hershey highway just because HE did (and apparently wants to sell you too-easily-impressionable broads a book), then comes the invention of Tyler Perry and his movies and BANG, not only are we as black men THE problem, but we HAVE a problem... What was once a fetish for white women in which every black woman was afraid that she eventually would be left by her man for some pink guts has become one where they have the horror of black men -- what with prison breeding new 'converts' every day -- have shifted gears... No longer do we want to chase after white women, but instead any man's asshole we can endeavor.
And the media has been eating this shit up, let us not forget that the whole of American history has been built on the denigration of black males' masculinity with one hand, all while exploiting it for profit with the other (slavery parallel to professional sports, anyone?).
As we all know, anything that can be exploited for profit will FOREVER be a cow that will be milked, so now books come out to show women how to 'catch' their man on the DL, explaining that undercover gheys are the cause of the continuation of AIDS in the black community and how ALL of this is the continued reason why 'Independent Strong black Women' are continuing to go unmarried. Books are sold, ad revenue gets this shit into magazines and talk shows and black women are EATING THIS SHIT UP!!! They now have the confirmation that they needed to tell them that there is no way they could be flawed, that the problem has been 'tendencies' in their men all along.
Those of you who saw my tweet/FB update Friday morning know that I am truly surprised that 'disrespect' has become the new 'respect,' and a large part of such a culture has become the void of culpability... No longer is it a VAST minority of dudes in the world who are ACTUALLY fudges -- damning those who embrace the culture so much as to go out of their way to look like it without actually being it, ugh... -- but anything that is my fault that I can blame on someone else WILL be blamed on someone else. Therefore, now EVERY black woman feels she needs to ask a prospective partner if he is taking backshots, no thought given to decor or even conversational context necessary. 'N**ga, you gay, ain't you!' and then comes the use of the age-old 'well why you get so mad if you wasn't?' answer, again ignoring that anyone who has just been disre-fucking-spected WILL act smooth the fuck out, up to and including leaving a broad as a pedestrian/hitchhiker."

[Phlip note - if that response seemed like I had it prepared, it is because I have been on the edge of blogging JUST that since I read this book a couple years ago]

In response to one point I made in my response above -- which one should be obvious to you -- came...
"What's funny to me about that, she actually did say that bs to me. "Why you get mad??" In my mind I was like are you serious?? At this point, I'm bout ready to say if you think that I am, then go be with someone else."

To which I responded with...
"You didn't have to tell me she did, I KNEW it... It should go something along the lines of 'are you looking for a reason to back out of this now? I'm not out to waste my time or yours, and if you are looking to nitpick for reasons to not be together, be it your perception of me or whatever reason, then the choice between beating the street and sticking this out is on the table, but I will not be party to being disrespected though, simple as that' Anyone who can't trust and respect you can't love you."

[Phlip note - more than one of the guys LOVED that last quote, it popped up on FB but none of the rest of the convo did or will]

Next response was...
"If she jas to ask & the obvious answer isn't oblivious to her senses then she's not paying attention to what's really going between the two of you. She's looking to cash in her hype chips for the next You Go Girl party so she can say she found one. But really if a cat is playin' that dark card would he just admittenly tell her just because she asked. All of a sudden he can let go of his guarded secret & take the load off his back (pun intended). Maybe she thinks that he'll confide in her & instead of just wanting to fuck her they'll become shopping buddies because once he tells her & she says she's not that type of girl but they can remain friends :) C'MON SON! If A ninja gonna live that lie he not gonna give up his bulldog's VIRW (VERY IMPORTANT RUMP WRANGLER) card just cause she asked. Whenshe asked you should've pulled the truck over & told her let me fuck you in the ass & tell me what you think, maybe that'll keep me on the tight & narrow & not crooked brown eye! These types of simplistic mind fucks kill me because when you get uptight & respond how a straight man does then they play the you must be homophobic cause you were offended. The offennse comes not in the form of the question but in the formulation & audacity. Phil was totally right between that pubic punk who wrote the book, Oprah bleeding hearts, white girls growing asses, & Tyler Ferry these women think they have the blue-print. I digress but to answer your question I would've drove her back to the spot & dropped her ass off & when she asked why were we back here my reply would've been... 'In the words of Sam da OG, I fuck-up not down!'"

Now we're down to this?

Is this what it's come to?

It is one thing when we can leave the house and expect a lack of respect from those who do not know us, but to come home to our supposed comfort zone and take MORE unwarranted disrespect from someone who SHOULD have taken steps to know better without having to cross that line is the beginning of the damned end.
Perhaps if people took time to learn the person they were with prior to letting their loneliness rush them into relationships then they wouldn't be rushing into relationships with 'undercover brother lovers,' just sayin'.

I know the twitterlutionaries will go in on me for being a homophobe for this one... Oh fuckin well, I am remorseless on this one.
I have no problem letting anyone do what they do until that moment that "what they do" presents an adverse effect on what I do. Constant baseless calling into questioning things that should be obvious is just that. Doing it because of some shit that is being overpromoted by the media makes it all the more angering.


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