Special Agent: Santa Claus

Part of me wants to feel bad for thinking it the actions of a reasonably-thinking human being to scribe something like this with a small child recently having moved into my house…

The other side of me says “stop being a little bitch and keep typing, fa**got…”

As things often go between the angel on one and devil on the other shoulder, here I am at the keyboard about to scribe some fantastically irresponsible shit. Today, we will be rationalizing the reasons that I feel that Santa Claus is actually a government agent.
We can use the most popular work about the man’s dealings – “Santa Claus is coming to town” – to tie these things together.

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out
who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake.
He knows when you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!

1. He’s making a list and checking it twice… is this a no-fly, most wanted or one of those other list that the US Patriot Act allows?

2. He’s gonna find out whose naughty or nice… prisons are filled with the information gleaned from this, sometimes even based upon erroneous or outright fabricated information.

3. He knows when you are sleeping… because there is surveillance on EVERY household in the world.

4. He knows when you’re awake… because your energy provider is required to inform the government on spikes in electricity use in real-time to suggest just when you are awake.

5. He knows if you’ve been bad or good… all that surveillance isn’t for nothing at all.

6. … So be good for goodness sake… if the plight’s of one Troy Davis and many other political prisoners down through the years are to be believed, this one doesn’t even fucking matter at the end of the day.

And all of that is arrived to simply based upon a song written before Santa had even one-sixteenth the firepower and technology he enjoys in 2011.

Now, to quote my favorite movie, “the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
As kids, we’re given roughly 8-10 years to believe that Santa Claus is real, then comes the crashing pseudo reality that he was a fabrication. Again, as kids, we go for BOTH stories hook line and sinker… The fact apparently remains that Santa Claus has instead gone further into his missions and needs the cover that comes from peoples’ belief that he was never real in the first place.

Think about it, though… The government NEEDS workers on the level and with the specific skillset that Santa Claus enjoys.

· The trust to enter and exit homes totally unvetted

· The knowledge of who is doing what

· The omniscience of everyone’s desires

· The ability to cover VAST distances – the entire world at midnight on the dot in each individual time zone in one night? – in little to (literally) no time

… and to think, my hard earned tax dollars have been going to pay an as-yet unknown number of FBI, CIA, and “Sector 7” employees as apparent decoys while all the REAL work is being done by some jolly fatman in a red suit with some reindeer.

Ain’t that a BITCH?!!?

Looking at this as I see this, this is a classic story-switching, in which we’re told to believe one thing, then told that what we were JUST told to believe was not real and that it is all supposed to up and just disappear. Well dammit in my opinion that first thing is as it was all along, with the exception that it was NEVER what we were told it was in the first place.

I really should stop making posts like this, lest my daughter will find my blog when she is old enough to read and navigate a computer unsupervised and I find myself totally fucked by posts like this.


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