True Story©... Unwitting Allies

In this journey, I have made a lot of acquaintances. For such a not-people-person, people tend to be drawn to me and this comes as a shock and even annoyance to me sometimes. I am good to the ones I like, try to maintain a civil indifference to the ones I’m “even” on, and a marked indifference to the ones I don’t like. New people tend to not like me at first and usually warm up to me. It is my sense of humor and the fact that I possess a seemingly endless supply of information about INFURIATINGLY useless details that throws some newcomers.

Today, we will talk about a recently-acquired new “friend” whose initial dislike of me was more because he thought I was a criminal than the fact that I talk a lot when I get excited.
It starts with a phonecall. Normally, I wouldn’t answer unknowns, but it was from a 336-373 exchange, so it would be from the City of Greensboro or some other entity downtown…

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hey Phillip, it’s me.”

Me: “You gotta be mo’ pacific.”

Caller: “Detective Woodcock.”

Me: “Oh, my arch nemesis Woodpenis! I thought we were done?”

Woodpenis: “It’s not that, it’s--… I hate to say this…”

Me: “Sir, you are a law enforcement officer and I am an international supervill--… err, law-abiding citizen. What could you POSSIBLY want from me?”

Woodpenis: “I kind of need you.”

Me: “I repeat, what could you need me for?”

Woodpenis: “For a case I have been handed, it is right up your alley.”

Me: “And by ‘up your alley’ you’re saying…”

Woodpenis: “This is some Moe Phillips shit.”

Me: “But we established that--…”

Woodpenis: “You established that we couldn’t PROVE that you were Moe, I still have my suspicions.”

Me: “But no proof, lest I would have been indicted by now.”

Woodpenis: “Closest we got was a composite sketch.”

Me: “I need to see this shit.”

Woodpenis: “I can’t”

Me: “You can and you will. You’re on your desk line, my data and voice work simultaneously… Text me that shit now.”

Woodpenis: “Fine, sent.”


Woodpenis: “This isn’t funny!”

Me: “It’s HILARIOUS, that looks like some shit some fat guy doodled while working at his desk job!”

Woodpenis: “That is what the witness and the sketch artist came up with, and since that is clearly not even almost you, we had to leave it alone.”


I knew that eventually, he might get enough of me wasting his time, so I allowed him his chance to get on into it.

Me: “Okay, so what is this wild-ass crime that you need the assistance of the alleged-by-you Moe Phillips?”

Woodpenis: “I can’t believe I am about to fuckin’ say this… I need a drink.”

Me: “Sir, we are on the clock. Tell me what you want from me.”

Woodpenis: “Okay, so… Fuck me, I went to the Academy for this shit… There was a shipment of these app-driven ‘smart dildos’ that have apparently taken off on TikTok. Only one store in Greensboro was supposed to be getting them.”

Me: **snicker**

Woodpenis: “Bless you.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Woodpenis: “So someone gets wind of the shipment and steals them ALL. At the amount that each of these things costs, nicking a whole case of them counts as a pretty big felony.”

Me: “They’re trolling you.”

Woodpenis: “Who?”

Me: “Your employers.”

Woodpenis: “How?”

Me: “Don’t you think it is just a LITTLE silly and even embarrassing that a detective named Woodpenis is assigned a case involving stolen dildos?”

Woodpenis: “Dammit to fucking hell, are you helping me or not?”

Me: “And fuck up my street cred? I’ll be kicked out the gang!”

Woodpenis: “What gang? We have a whole jacket on you and best we can tell is whatever it is you might have ever been up to has been solo.”

Me: “Innocent of whatever that was you tried to trick me into saying. They’d put me out the gang, soo-woo and such.”

Woodpenis: “Phillip, you were never seen wearing a red shirt until two years ago, like in your adult life.”

Me: “And don’t use no C words around me, officer Wood🅱️o🅱️k.”

Woodpenis: “How do you even pronounce that?”

Me: “It doesn’t matter!”

I said he might get onto me wasting his time… I didn’t say I would stop doing it.

Woodpenis: “Stop fuckin’ around, please?”

Me: “Look… I’mma help you, but not because we’re old buddies or because I have this immense respect for the police. I’mma do it because this shit is funny and because every time you willingly enter a conversation with me, it is your tacit agreement to be subjected to me and these dick jokes.”

Woodpenis: “Goddammit.”

I went on to explain in detail how what he told me of this reeked less of an organized crime, more of the doings of a low-street-level kinda deal. If it had been “organized,” then the digital dinkuses would have likely never made it to Greensboro. There would have been a box of something else, perhaps of a similar weight but they would never have made it onto that delivery truck. The fact that the delivery driver was not subdued suggests that they were either in on it or TERRIBLY incompetent, with the latter being the more likely. As crimes go, this is beneath me--… err, Moe and should be watched in areas where low-level criminals might try to offload ill-gotten goods.
No pawn shop/s will be taking in a case of dildos, so start with Craigslist and the BookFace marketplace and groups, then fan out. Starting here would at least embed him with the criminal element and savvy-enough people who might be willing to deal in such a commodity. With these instructions, he was to report back to me with what he found.

He took three days…

Me: “What’d you find?”

Woodpenis: “Trauma, man… Trauma.”

Me: “What!?”

Woodpenis: “These motherfuckers need Jesus… or therapy.”

Me: “’Both’ is an option.”

Woodpenis: “Fair…”

Me: “So what’d you find?”

Woodpenis: “The driver is not involved. There was a substitute on the delivery that day, a new guy who had never had that route before because the normal driver was sick.”

Me: “Shit”

Woodpenis: “So at SOME point on his route, someone simply entered the truck and made off with the box of the merchandise. We do know for fact that the case was scanned onto the truck before he arrived for his shift.”

Me: “You say ‘merchandise’ as if you didn’t already tell me that they were bastermation aides.”

Woodpenis: “I’m really beginning to not like you.”

Me: “Heard that before.”

Woodpenis: “So anyway… We’ve pulled all available surveillance from everywhere the driver stopped and--…”

Me: “… nothing.”

Woodpenis: “How’d you know?”

Me: “You said ‘available’ surveillance, meaning the thieves struck where there were no cameras.”

Woodpenis: “You never considered this as a career option?”

Me: “Fuck no.”

Woodpenis: “Just thought I’d ask.”

Me: “Don’t ever insult me again.”

Woodpenis: “So what now?”

Me: “Aim lower… This is some tweeker shit. They cased this UPS truck to see when it would not be watched. They didn’t know what they were taking until they had it and now they don’t know how to get it off.”

Woodpenis: “Well I’ll be damned.”

Me: “The longer this goes, the more extremely they will slip up.”

Woodpenis: “Gotcha, so again I ask…”

Me: “For my entertainment, I would suggest hitting the dark web and try to find an orgy or a swingers party, but I don’t think anyone is setting up a merch table at those and I kinda think they would sniff out a cop from a mile.”

Woodpenis: “Heh”

Me: “My next best bet would be to go back to where this started and see what shakes there.”

Woodpenis: “TikTok?”

Me: “Indeed!”

Woodpenis: “I do that every day, multiple times, nothing yet.”

Me: “… my tax dollars hard at work.”

Woodpenis: “Stop it. Anything else?”

Me: “You’re gonna have to get filthy.”

Woodpenis: “Filthy how?”

Me: “Look for content creators who might benefit from having one of these things. You’re gonna have to do the dark side of Reddit, you’re gonna look into OnlyFans and you’re gonna have to -- ugh… Tumblr”

Woodpenis: “You think you might help me with that part?”

Me: “You think ‘fuck that,’ you don’t pay me.”

Woodpenis: “Shit, I guess I have to wade into this cesspool.”

Me: “Enjoy!”


So several days pass… I had assumed that this whole ordeal either crossed into “none of Phillip’s fucking business” territory or the more likely outcome that GPD lost interest and chose to go harass black teenagers over off of MLK as they have done since I was one of those teenagers in the 90s.


The phone rang…


Woodpenis: “Phillip, it’s me. We got this motherfucker!”

Me: “If you keep calling me like this, my Wife Person™ is eventually gon have questions and if you intend to complicate my marriage, the least you could have to offer is some pussy.”

Woodpenis: “What!?”

Me: “Nothing… I’m bullshitting. Shoot.”

Woodpenis: “Well--…”

Me: “Wait, no! Don’t shoot!”

Woodpenis: “Not funny.”

Me: “G’head.”

Woodpenis: “You ever heard of EcoATM?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s where tweekers and teenagers sell stolen and/or broken-but-barely-serviceable iPhones for cash to pay for pills.”

Woodpenis: “That was… Detailed.”

Me: “I grew up on the east side and live on the south side… I’ve seen some shit.”

Woodpenis: “Anyway… We get a call about a disturbance in the vestibule at Wal Mart on--…”

Me: “… the south side! Told you!”

Woodpenis: “Fuck… Anyway… some guy is trying to go back and forth to the EcoATM in the entranceway and starts causing a disturbance when the machine won’t let him complete the transaction for his cash.”

Me: “Pill head? Meth dragon? Which was it?”

Woodpenis: “Hold on… When the machine wouldn’t recognize the device as the kind of thing that it would buy, he starts approaching women in the parking lot asking if they’d heard of them on TikTok and tried to sell them for cash.”

Me: “HA!!! So Wal Mart called you?”

Woodpenis: “No, a woman who was at the store with her daughter did.”

Me: “Even better.”

Woodpenis: “When we arrived to the store, we found him still in the parking lot arguing with a man whose wife had been waiting in the car for him to come out.”

Me: “… and he ran.”

Woodpenis: “How’d you know?”

Me: “This was meth, bro.”

Woodpenis: “So he tries to run and misjudged the turn leaving the shopping complex and goes over the median, totally hammering his front tires and fucked his rear suspension.”

Me: “Mmhmm…”

Woodpenis: “Caught in his seatbelt, he was unable to get out and run before there were cruisers on him with guns drawn.”

Me: “White guy.”

Woodpenis: “Yeah, but how did--…”

Me: “Because I didn’t hear on the news about the execution in the Wal Mart parking lot a mile and a half from my house.”

Woodpenis: “So he surrenders… We find ALL the dildos – ALL of them – still on the backseat of his car.  He hadn’t managed to sell even one.”

Me: “Hell, I told you to get ‘filthy’ but didn’t know you’d have to go to hell with it.”

Woodpenis: “Well I thank you for your assistance, Moe.”

Me: “Who?”

Woodpenis: “Just… thank you.”

Me: “Does this mean you owe me favors and shit now?”

Woodpenis: “Don’t push this.”

Me: “We’re still not buddies, Woodpenis. Don’t think you just gon’ be calling me to do your job for you.”

I got a cop that owes me some favors… How can I Raymond Reddington this shit?


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