True Story©... Malicious Compliance

 

    Ever had to deal with someone who just KNEW they know everything, despite all evidence to the opposite?
Well I do that every day in my full time job, and my desire to not have to do any work again leaves me in the unfortunate position of having to straighten people out every single time, lest they will be back – still wrong – with the same problems but worse.

    When I clock out, though? I practice what I like to call malicious compliance, wherein my motto is often “not my monkey, not my circus.” When my responses are tied to how efficiently my mortgage gets paid, I am better-compelled to spend the time correcting or even giving a shit about outcomes. When the barrier between me and homelessness is not being pressed, though? Good luck getting me to give a shit! Matter of fact, I am probably kicking back and waiting on the outcome for my own entertainment.

    As a side hustle, I cut lawns… Just lawns, except for in very special cases. I am not a landscaper, I lack the tools to efficiently handle trees and shrubbery, and the only garden I really fuck with is the one in front of my house. A few weeks ago I was on one of the yards I handle, with my brand-ass new mower, headphones on and in my own happy little world. I have it to the point where anyone who pays me for my services usually never actually SEES me working unless they come or go while I’m working, save for a couple of little old ladies who still pay with cash every time.
To my surprise, as I am finishing up, a man has been standing and watching me for most of the 40+ minutes I worked.

Him: “Morning”

Me (removing headphones): “Good morning.”

Him: “Looking good over there.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Him: “How much do you charge?”

Me: “I start at $XX.xx per cut, based on terrain and hills.”

Him: “Well I was thinking of having you do mine as well.”

Me: “I’m always willing to take on more.”

Him: “But…”

Me: “But what?”

Him: “I noticed you cut over the front twice, why?”

Me: “Because she likes her grass low and I like healthy grass.”

Him: “Hmm?”

Me: “If I cut the whole length short in one swoop, it will shock the grass and it will go brown like TOMORROW, but if I step it down then we good for the whole two weeks.”

Him: “Well you don’t gotta do that to mine. Save your time and energy, young man.”

Did this motherfucker just “young man” me while telling me the absolute opposite of what I have spent years learning on Reddit?

Me: “So you do want me to knock yours out next?”

Him: “You got time?”

Me: “This is what my Saturday mornings are made of.”

Him: “Then sure, how do I pay you?”

Me: “Here, Take my phone number… it is tied to my Paypal, Cashapp and Venmo - whichever you choose. Cash always works too.”

Him: “Gotcha locked in.”

Me: “That way you can also message me if you need me in the future. Single low cut right?”

Him: “Yessir.”

Me: “On it…”

    I know EXACTLY how this story goes…
My blades are SUPER sharp due to how I baby my mower. I know, scientifically, why not to cut too much off of the grass and told him this, but he insists that I spare myself the time. Fine, I will take this man’s money and cut his shit low on one pass and let him deal with the fallout literally tomorrow.
Instead of loading up and moving further south immediately, I crossed the street and spent 38 minutes trimming and cutting his lawn. The Cashapp dinged in my ears and my Fitbit as I was loading my mower into the back of our SUV. As I knew, and had explained, his yard was beautifully striped, perfectly even and consistently colored when I was done with it. When I was done with it, that is. Like, as in at 11:19am on Saturday morning.
1:41pm on Sunday evening, though?

… my phone rings…

Him: “Hey, what happened?”

Me: “Huh?”

Him: “My grass, it’s browning already!”

Me: “Probably stress… It’ll snap back in a couple days.”

Him: “But why, though?”

Me: “Look across the street, is your neighbor’s doing the same?”

Him: “No, hers is–…”

Me: “Right green with two very visible sets of stripes, huh?”

Him: “Yeah, but–…”

Me: “You got stripes and browning, right?”

Him: “Well… yeah.”

Me: “So now you see why I cut hers once for the utility of the cut and once to clean it up, right?”

Him: “Why didn’t you, like, SAY something?”

Me: “I did when I explained it. You insisted I save my time and efforts.”

Him: “So I see. So what do we do?”

Me: “Wait.”

Him: “Huh?”

Me: “It’ll rain on it, then it will snap back to normal in a few days. And listen to professionals – or semi-professionals - from now on.”

Malicious compliance. I KNEW the outcome of his request, yet still received his funds and completed the request without discussion.



I have done his neighbor’s yard now twice since this exchange and will again in 8 days, he has sat on his porch and seen me doing so each time and has not asked me again to do his yard.
… and you know what? It was worth the lesson he learned, so I am okay with that!

    Try it at home.
Next time your boss scurries you off the clock to avoid the CHANCE of paying you overtime, make sure you ignore all those "emergency" texts and emails during non-work hours.  Fair is far, right?