True Story©... Mr. President
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It has been a wild couple of weeks in America…
President Biden, perhaps based on the fallout from how he handled the debate and frankly physical age, decided he would pass the mantle in the race for the presidency this cycle.
What a VERY few people realize, though, is that Kamala was not his first choice to take the torch and run with it. Believe it or not, I was! Sunday before last, I am chillin on my couch when my phone rings…
Me: “Hello?”
Joe: “Phillip? It’s Joe.”
Me: “This shit ain’t funny, my granddaddy died in 1980.”
Joe: “Joe Biden…”
Me: “Oh, that makes more sense–… wait, what!?”
Joe: “Yes, as in president Joe Biden.”
Me: “Whatever the FBI guy watching me has told you–…”
Joe: “… nevermind that, that’s not why I’m calling.”
Me: “So what’s up?”
Joe: “As you may well know, I have spent basically two-thirds of my life in public service and elected office.”
Me: “Mhmm…”
Joe: “And, frankly, it is time for me to bow out.”
Me: “I’ve been reading that and do not disagree. But what has this to do with me?”
Joe: “Well I plan to make my announcement this afternoon, but I wanted to bounce something off of you before doing so.”
Me: “Hmm?”
Joe: “Have you ever considered running for public office?”
Me: “Nope.”
Joe: “Would you consider it?”
Me: “See, now that depends.”
Joe: “On…?”
Me: “How much has that FBI agent told you about my web browsing and search activities?”
Joe: “Well… No, we won’t go there but it won’t be a problem.”
Me: “So what are you asking me?”
Joe: “I intend to step aside in the presidential race, and need to endorse a replacement for the nomination and you felt like a good fit, you see…”
… not to let y’all in on more than you need to know about me if you didn’t already know, but I have a VIVID imagination that sometimes just kind of kicks in whenever it feels like it, even if someone is actively talking to me. This old-ass man droning on on why I should desire to continue his run for the presidency would ASSUREDLY become one of those moments, given my actual interest in participating in politics when one pulls back and considers my disdain for most politicians.
With that said, my brain was processing whatever was being said the same way we hear when an adult is speaking on Charlie Brown. I muted the phone and called Yeti and as he does whenever I speak his name, he came to my side and sat down like the good boy he is.
Me: “Hey buddy… This guy thinks we should desire to become president…”
[Phlip note: yes, “WE” – an Evans presidency would involve me and my puppydog equally… More on that shortly]
Yeti: “…”
While Joe continued to babble on with some shit about the weight of the moment and the importance of the mission, my daydreaming went into OVERDRIVE.
First, I imagined the absolute fact that Yeti would follow me EVERYWHERE in the White House and not just the living quarters. Cabinet meetings and official visits with world leaders. Decorum naturally dictates that the president’s dog does not sit in on these things but I am insistent upon being available to my buddy at his discretion. In this daydream, aides attempted to appeal to “decorum,” but I put my foot down insisting that Yeti is my co-president and it was NOT up for debate.
Next, things were a bit more tense… I am actually IN one of those official prime minister-type visits and he is being indifferent to my dog, and trying to conduct business without first acknowledging him. This is where things get kind of dicy…
"Mr Prime Minister, I ain't signing SHIT til you tell my buddy he is a good boy and play with his ears"
"but President Evans"
"D-did I stutter motherfucker?"
I am beginning to see that it might not be such a good idea to take him up on what he is offering, but he is STILL FUCKING TALKING, what the hell?
I am imagining now, the fallout from my refusal to let the prime minister NOT acknowledge my puppydog and the resulting standoff… There is a montage playing in my head of NONSTOP news coverage of the tense meeting and culminates in a newspaper headline the following morning…
I chose my dog, and Joe chose Kamala. I think we are both better off for it.
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