True Story©... The Big Payoff, pt II


So last month, I made about $113k on ill-but-legally-gotten coal, right?  I’m on.  We on, right?
I SHOULD have put half of it in the bank or in some investment vehicle and made a ginormous principle payment on my house and paid off all my credit with the other half.  That makes sense, right?

     And just so we’re all on the same page here, robbing Santa Claus is a BAD thing, children.  Never mind that what was SUPPOSED to be a punishment for it has turned into a windfall for me and mine.  As Santa is a scumbag dopeman anyway, we can’t FULLY consider that he might have thought of the outcomes when it came all the damn way down to it anyway.  I can’t care, really, because damned if I didn’t get paid.

     Not only am I sitting on big bank, but I rolled out of the museum with the blessings of the manager of the place and--…
WAIT!!!  I need to explain something.
Doctors tend to hang around other doctors, lawyers hang around other lawyers, professors do the same.  You get it right?
So I am headed back to Greensboro with my magic sack in the back of the Subaru and briefcase full of money in the front and my phone rings.

Caller: “Phillip, is this Phillip?”
Me: “Yes, that’s me.”
Caller: “Did I catch you at a bad time?”
Me: “I’m driving, but I just got off of 63 onto I-40, I won’t turn again until I get to NC.  I can talk.”
Caller: “Well I just got done on the phone with my buddy [redacted] and he told me about that thing you did for him, I was won--…”
Me: “I’m selling coal, not crack, my man.  You can talk about it on the phone normal.  I ain’t on no federal watch lists.”
Caller: “Haha, cool.  Well he told me about that smokin’ deal you gave him on the coal for his engines and I basically want that SAME deal.”
Me: “Well I will happily provide you that same deal.  I am about to cross the Tennessee line now.  I MUST go home to NC for a couple of days or that woman that lives with me will murder my face.  I have to be back home by Sunday at 3 to receive my daughter or I will murder YOUR face.”
Caller: “Ha…  Gotcha.  This should be simple enough.  Can I call you back in ten minutes or so?”
Me: “This boring ass highway?  I look forward to it!”

Six minutes pass by and my phone rings again…  It isn’t him though.

Caller: “Phillip what the hell are you doing?”
Me: “I am driving home.  GPS says I should be there in about ten hours.”
Mimi: “You know what I am talking about.”
Me: “I totally wish I knew.  Alls I know is I just took in a serious haul in Arkansas for us and some dude just called me from a 570 area code asking for a similar deal  I told him I would HAVE to go home for a couple of days or you would--…”
Mimi: “He just called me, Phillip.”
Me: “Dafuq he get your number from?”
Mimi: “I don’t know, but I am flying into Wilkes-Barre Pennsylvania in the morning.”
Me: “Ho-lee shit.”
Mimi: “I know.”
Me: “Well looks like you get to watch me work for a couple days.”
Mimi: “Will your car make it 12 hours home, then 7 and a half to Pennsylvania through the mountains?”
Me: “Hell no.  I am gonna grab a rental when I get back to Greensboro.  I will buy a newer one after I make this play.”
Mimi: “Good, because I worry about you out on the road in that--…”
Me: “Phone is ringing, this is him.  I will talk to you in a minute.”

With that, I ended her call and picked up his.

Me: “You’re late, it has been 13 minutes.”
Caller: “I needed to give you time to speak with the Mrs. and see how serious we are about doing business with you.”
Me: “Well you got me there.”
Caller: “So we can expect to see you when, tomorrow?”
Me: “Yes, I have to get home.  I have a pretty old car and she’s getting up in miles.  I am getting a newer one when  I am done with you, but will grab a rental in the morning.”
Caller: “Fair enough.  Shall we cover the rental for you?”
Me: “Your call.  Reserve a small wagon or a midsize with a trunk if you have it on your heart.  Need somewhere to put this bag.”
Caller: “Will do!”
Me: “See you as soon as I get there.  Make that rental a one-way, you have better Subaru dealers up there.”
Caller: “Sure thing.”

     As deals and the down and dirty of it go, I won’t need to get into the guts of it again.  Read pt I if you need to know.  He had 6 monkeystrong cats at a time shoveling coal around the clock From Thursday afternoon through Sunday morning, slid me a briefcase full of $450,000.  I cashed out a newer-than-mine Impreza, tossed my sack of coal in the hatch and drove the fuck home in time to get my baby from the darkside her mother.


     Man, if I had known that THIS would be the key to my get rich scheme, I would have fucking robbed Santa Claus in my twenties!




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