True Story©... Tender Moe-ments

 


    Not to let y’all in on more than you need to know, but I been holding out on you…
For every tale of a person who emailed the Moe Phillips box looking for help, I might lend a hand to about one in five. The thing when doling out assistance of the kind that normally comes requested in that email box, I am only beholden to my own opinion. If that opinion is one of judgment, or an active decision that “this one ain’t worth my time and effort” then so be it. Sometimes the “request” comes in as a statement of a problem without an actual suggestion of what outcome the sender might find satisfactory, and I ain’t no fuckin’ mind reader.

    So why are we here today?
Well, frankly, I got time today… Before I send these emails into the trash bin of history, I will share a couple of the funnier ones with you guys.

I will present these in no particular order.


This one came in about three weeks ago…

“Moe,

I see that you solicit for those in need of help with “anything,” but even now I am not sure that this is your kind of situation. I’m afraid I may have irretrievably broken my relationship with my live-in girlfriend. I guess I should say now ‘girlfriends’ after recent events.

Recently, we decided to explore the idea of bringing in a third to our home and I let my girl pick her as a means of making sure SHE was comfortable. Our first attempt was going well, we went on a ‘date’ with her and hit it off, and she came home with us after the second date the following weekend. Things got hot and heavy and we all seemed to be enjoying one another’s company until my girl felt I was paying the new chick too much attention and they got into a fight IN THE BEDROOM! Needless to say we did not keep this one around for another attempt, but she would not be the last try.

After things blew over and calmed a bit, my girl told me she was ready to try again. Same rules, she gets to choose and we will take the woman on a couple of dates before bringing her home with us. This all happened to coincide with my birthday and my girl positioned to this young lady that she was looking to make my celebration ‘special’ and she was with it.
So there we are, evening of my birthday, THEY took ME out on this second date and are treating me like a king. It is unspoken that we ARE going home and I knew it was coming the whole day. We get home and transition from the couch to the bedroom. Everything is good, I’m WINNING right? I planned ahead… I was on a half a cialis, a honey pack and one of these Dig Bick Throbbers I got from some Pakistani dude on FaceBook. Imagine the SHATTERING of my dreams when I find myself standing at the foot of the bed, the metaphorical ‘car in drive with nowhere to go’ because the women have decided they like each other more than either one of them likes ME.

So now, this extra woman is in the house with us and each of us are effectively in our own relationship with MY girlfriend when that was never the plan.
HELP!!!”

[Phlip note: perhaps I could help this guy, but I cannot stop laughing and they are probably gonna lose him to a cardiac arrest anyway on that dick pill cocktail – pun intended]

    The next one seemed more unfortunate than funny. Man lands in the most UNCANNY of situations and makes an innocent non-mistake and pays the price…

“Moe,

I come to you both embarrassed and confused. I was traveling in an a county adjacent to my own one night when my car caught a flat tire. No biggie, right? I just throw the spare on and get home to fix it in the morning. Imagine my shock when the spare was flat too! I started to walk towards what appeared to be lights up the road and I happened upon what appeared to be a meeting lodge or something of the sort. I cautiously knocked and entered the open door and found a group of people sitting in a circle. I explained my situation and was offered use of their phone to call AAA to come and help me. They offered to let me stay in their meeting hall with them until help arrived. When I asked what they were, they explained that they were a support group for African Americans with dyslexia.

I sat by waiting on my tow driver out of the way and they asked me if I needed anything; coffee, water, tea or something of the sort… Without thinking of what they’d told me their gathering was, I asked them if they had ginger ale. One of the gentlemen in attendance stood and says ‘WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!!?’ and before I could explain that I was just asking for a soda, they jumped on me!

I now realize that ‘ginger’ anagrams to the hard-r n-word. Is their any way I can contact this group to make this right?”


    Look… I know I am DEAD wrong to laugh at the pair of problems presented in this one, but DAMN if I am mature enough to abstain.  Here I am, people sharing their most vulnerable of life's moments with a stranger who they think can help them and he is reading them laughing like a 6th-grader.
I’ve yet to respond to or take action on either of these emails, even knowing that one of them DIRECTLY relates to a problem I have recently dealt with. Further, I am more than certain that my actually responding directly might cause more problems than they could solve.

    I will continue to save the M-O-Equalizer contact for situations I feel DESERVE my help, but that will never stop me from gleaning BIG entertainment from the ones I choose not to.

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