True Story©... In Over My Head

 

    They say the dog never has a plan for when it actually catches the car...
As I've mentioned before, some wild hiccups that ended in the ER back in December and the fallout wound up setting fire to my PTO at the full time gig clear through April setting things right. Once I was back into the rhythm of accruing my time like I've become accustomed to over the last 18 years, we were more than halfway through the year and I was in full panic mode over how to take days so as to not lose them.
I know it sounds weird to be thinking like this and it is still only August, but bear in mind that I am in a  very small department of only six specialists so a maximum of two can be off at a given time, with the exception of extreme emergencies and after the fall and winter I had, I've had enough of those!

    So anyway, time off...
A few weeks ago I looked at the team PTO schedule, counted up the time I got left and the time I will need or have already requested off in the future. The magic number was 131 hours, or 16 and a third days. Well shiiiid, let's make with the time off requesting!

WAIT!!!

Let's plan this thing, then make with the time off requesting. I found a window where I could string together 11 consecutive working days off while only using 8 of my paid days (don't ask, I ain't explaining) and pounced on them by staking my claim on the team calendar while not actually requesting them from my manager yet. It's easier to regroup and re-plan them that way.
You know what I did next? I did the same thing I always do to entertain myself when I have to burn time off, I applied for jobs! This time I didn't apply for low-hanging jobs I was overqualified for and knew I could get. No, we're off of that now. Now, we apply for highly specialized or upper-office jobs for which my resumé shouldn't even trip any flags in their HR algorithms. Part of me didn't expect this shit to work and knew I would likely spend the whole staycation out in the city cutting grass for YouTube but it is always worth a shot, right?

    Of course, I did this weeks ahead of time so as to get through the application and interview process before using my off time to actually "start" the job.
What I learned in this process, compared to my previous use of this stunt, was that in-person interviews are for poor people. Stick with me here... For upper-crust jobs, they're no more willing or in need of you to come to their location to peacock for them in hopes of employment. Those kind of jobs are kind of like the 6+ foot tall man who makes a lot of money; they don't HAVE to be preened and performed for, they can just take the best of what's available. I say all that to say that I am beyond surprised that I ever got a call back!

    Not to bore you with the ins and outs of the interview and onboarding, just know that I didn't have to actually physically go into a building except to receive some paperwork and sign off on HR stuff - direct deposit and insurance beneficiary stuff.
Luckily my start date was set to the beginning of my little respite from the full time gig.

    I guess now is as good a time as any to explain to you dear readers that I have successfully managed to live my life while avoiding having had to display the temperament, understanding, or even couth to be asked to manage people. Factor in that this particular position has me over people who would be at my actual manager's level and I now realize that I just may have really stepped in it this time.

    The first day was simple... Onboarding, "welcome to (company)" type shit. Access to systems, establishing and testing passwords. Basically a freewheeling day to enjoy the free coffee and being provided lunch. I was assigned a company-provided phone number and told my phone should be to me in a day or three.

[Phlip note: wait... these people think I'mma be available to them during off work hours or something?]

    Day two, and this shit is WILD, I'm expected to do work and sit in on meetings where decisions are made. I have to do the second best acting I've ever done to this point in my life, second only to the shit I said and did to get myself into this space. Somehow I escaped day two without the subjects observing that the emperor was actually butt-ass naked.

What I'm experiencing can likely be best communicated with a meme I know we've all seen before.

    After "work" on Tuesday, I swung by some old neighborhood friends to converse about mugshots of people we grew up with we'd seen on Instagram over the weekend and work came up...

Homie: "You still at (company)?"

Me: "Yeah, but I also just started at (company #2) too"

Homie: "Damn, how you pull THAT off?"

Me: "Man I still don't know. I didn't expect to get it."

Homie: "So what you gon do?"

Me: "I'mma go back to my 18 years of tenure and 32 days of leave time annually next week before these people realize I'm bluffing my ass off!"

Homie: "Well before you bounce, can you put my cousin on? His company closed up on them and his unemployment is ending in September."

Me: "You know what? I'mma TRY that!"

    What the homie seems to have apparently forgotten that I know is that his cousin was a drunken fuckup and may have directly or indirectly caused his employer's closure... 
What it gave me, though, was a means to break clean from these people and have them never contact me again. I told the homie to have his cousin go on and apply RIGHT AWAY so I could try to finagle something in the morning. I spent the rest of the evening canvassing old friends from around the way who may or not be necessarily employable to do the same. Wednesday morning, I went to the office an hour early and poked around in systems I knew I'd been given access to but had no real clue how to use.
I'm no idiot, just actively ignorant sometimes, so navigating simple-to-me software was no problem. I found the applications -- most of which didn't have actual resumés attached -- of all the homies and anyone who looked connected to my little scheme and put them forward to the next step in the process. I knew that this would be all the help I could offer in this scheme of mine, but it was something.

    The rest of Wednesday would include, ironically, me being "trained" on that same HR system I had just figured out on my own. This included being warned that pushing a candidate forward manually without letting the software vet them was more for internal postings and rehires than it was for people to be newly hired.
Whoopsie!
Still, though, no red flags were thrown from me having done it.

Thursday, the homie called me...

Me: "Hello?"

Homie: "Damn bro, what the fuck you did? Who ARE you around there?"

Me: "Hmm?"

Homie: "They called my cousin this afternoon for the interview on Monday... They also called like three other people from around the crib too!"

Me: "You're welcome..."

Homie: "Sheesh... So what else can you do?"

Me: "That's probably gon' be the end of it, honestly."

Homie: "Why?"

Me: "Because I'm going back to my real job on Monday."

Homie: "Why!? This is a sweet-ass lick you got there. You can put your people on like that and it's only your third day?"

Me: "This job barely pays more than I make after 18 years of seniority on my current, plus the time off package is not as good. Should I mention that I am not at ALL qualified for this shit and every day I stay in that chair will be a day closer to them realizing it and cutting me loose before it gets too late?"

Homie: "Oh... got it."

Me: "So yeah. I got their foot in the door, but it'll be totally on them to finagle the rest of the way in before the company realizes what happened."

Homie: "Bet... I'll let em know."

    So Friday rolls in. I'm navigating the day as if nothing is wrong. More training, more hand-shaking, more of the same old shit. I'm told that the schedule for Monday will include me sitting in on the hiring process with some planned interviews and the likes.
At the end of the day, I explained that I was gonna hang back at my desk and complete some more of the online training modules since I didn't have any real plans for the evening and I would see everyone on Monday morning.
I was lying like a motherfucker. I wanted to wipe any evidence of myself from the PC, remove the one personal effect -- a picture of my daughter and grandbaby -- from my desk and leave that phone in the office without anyone asking questions on my way out. I had completed all of this within 15 minutes of me being the last one in the office and I left without notice or resignation.

    Monday morning rolls around and I wake up at my normal 6am time. I walk around the block to stretch my legs and get some fresh air in my lungs, then I make the coffee and clock in at work promptly at 7:27 and get to work.
The team is great about covering tasks when one of the members are away for any period of time -- be it 3 hours or two months! -- so it was literally nothing for me to settle right back into my groove.

9am rolls around and my phone rings, I ignore it...
9:15, it rings again, I ignore it...
9:37, guess what?

Why the fuck aren't they leaving voice mails?

9:52... Y'know what? Fuck this

            

    On Friday, I received a piece of mail explaining that after three days of no call/no show, my employment was considered separated with an explanation that I would not be eligible for rehire at any point and a check for the week I'd "worked."

[Phlip note: lol]

    All's well that ends well, though... Of the four people whose applications I had snagged and pushed    through to the next steps, three were placed forward for hire. Luckily for them, removal of my name from the HR systems also removed my connection to their situation. In fact, only the one who mentioned my damned name was not offered a job. Suffice it to say my name is poisonous in that building now, but at least I was able to make use of my ill-gotten access for the greater good of my folks.

So yeah... 

While perhaps the dog DOESN'T have a plan for when he catches the car, sometimes it will work out anyway.