True Story©... Make em Regret It!

(that ol Charlie is a good boy)

    Funniest thing has been happening here for the last few months...
Well, I'd say it's not "funny" so much as it is "peculiar."

    As we've documented here at length, I prefer my friends and family text me instead of calling on the phone, it forces the conversation to whatever point needs to be made more efficiently. I say that to say *they* as the people who actually know me and my habits are not the problem, but people -- or more specifically, companies -- who do not respect this layer of my relationship with my phone are. It's loan offers after loan offers, sometimes voicemails suggesting some kind of urgency. It's people offering to buy a house I sold four years ago. It's spectrum and whoever else trying to sell me on their services. A couple of them are just random toll free numbers with just dead air!

    As a general rule, I'll send a call to voicemail once and if they really want something they can leave it there and I will decide how to proceed. If they're bullshit, or don't leave a message, I'll hit "screen call" and let Google be my guard dog and usually that is enough to get them to leave me alone and the calls slow up.

    But whoo boy, there was this one that KEPT calling. It identified on the ID as a company that shares its name with several others and is therefore unidentifiable based on what I was able to search. I'd screen the call and they'd be back in 20 minutes with another phone number with the same caller ID displayed. Fed up with this game of whack-a-mole, I answered it...

Me: "Hello?"

Them (heavy accent): "May I speak to Phillip [redacted]?"

Me: "Grandson, is that you?"

Them: "I--... I'm sorry?"

Me: "You never call anymore, how come you don't come by for dinner on Sundays?"

Them: "Excuse me? I'm sorry, I was calling for Phillip [redacted]."

Me: "We miss you grandson. You really should come and see your old man more often, you know I ain't got much time left."

Them: "I think I may have the wrong number sir, you have a good da--..."

Me: "... no, no, don't rush off the phone. It's just me and this old dog in here and no one calls or comes to visit anymore. I figure the least you can do is talk to me for a little whi--..."

He hung up... Mission accomplished.

    Or "mission accomplished," so I thought... The rest of the day was quiet. I guess since the caller received at least a couple of minutes of conversation on the line, however useless as it may be, the auto dialer didn't pitch my number again for that particular day day.  It was a win, because there was a point where I was getting a call twice an hour.
Two days later, though? Phone ringing again, same company on the ID but different phone number. I answered it...

Me: "Hello?"

Them: "I'm calling for a Phillip [redacted]?"

Me: "IS THIS THAT LIL BOY WHO SAID HE WAS COMING TO CUT MY GRASS?!!?"

Them: "Excuse me?"

Me: "You knocked on my door Friday and said you was coming to cut my grass. I gave you 25 dollars. It's Wednesday and my grass still ain't cut!"

Them: "Sir, I think we're mistaken here. I'm calling for Phillip [redacted] about--..."

Me: "IT BETTER BE ABOUT CUTTING SOME GOT DAMN GRASS BEFORE CHARLIE GET TICKS  AGAIN OUT IN THIS TALL-ASS SHIT!!!"

Them: "Sir, I am not coming to cut your grass. I'm calling about--..."

Me: "Then why you took my money then, and how you get my phone number?!"

Them: "Sir, I didn't come to your house and offer to cut your grass.  I didn't take your money.  I am calling abou--..."

I started fake crying...

Me: "aww man, not again! I done got old up in here and kids moved outta town, these young boys knock on my door with a new scam every week. Now I don't got the money to pay and get the grass cut for real. This the third time this month."

Them: "..."

Me: "So what's your name, young fella? What good news you got for an old man?"

Them: "You know what, sir? I'm sorry for bothering you."

I turned the tears back on...

Me: "No, don't go! You just gon leave me here like all the rest!?  Nobody call or come by no more!"

Them: "Sir, I'm really, terribly sorry."

Me: "C'mere ol Charlie... Least you never left me. Sit. Good boy... Here's your treat buddy. 'least somebody still love me."

While I was addressing a fictional dog as my very real ones were sleeping across the room, he had quietly released the call thinking I was not actively paying attention.

    So yeah, I think I might be onto something...
I mean, with all I got going on outside, I can't simply block EVERY call, I get plenty from previously-unknown healthcare facilities and from people who may need me to cut their yard for them. Most of my lawn referrals know to communicate to the referred to text me as, again, it gets me to a clickable address to get their quote to them quickly. As for the spam callers? The one company I abused over the course of those two calls have stemmed since last Wednesday when I yelled at that boy for taking my $25 and not cutting my grass. I am sincerely hoping the streak sticks.

    I'll use the grandson and grass scammer scripts for a couple of weeks until they're onto me, then I'll come up with some new material.
Y'all should try it too!