True Story©... Test Stressed

 

    Y'know, perhaps the best means to me getting out of my own way is for me to get the fuck out of my own way...
I have created such a network of problems and solutions through the years that sometimes people randomly pop back up almost after I've forgotten they even exist.
I could continue describing what I'm talking about, but I think it'd just be best to fill you in on the email I received...

"Moe,

    I found your contact information while going through marital belongings as I prepare to finalize my divorce in a couple of months."

Oh shit. This is not going to be pleasant for me if she's emailing Moe Phillips about a pending divorce. The email continues...

"... apparently, a friend of my husband contacted you in December for help on how to vet his partner before proposing to her. It seems my husband knew the girl from their school days and was assigned to use his professional position to press her and see if she would go through with it or rebuff his advance and then tell his friend.

Well this fucking idiot seemingly forgot he was married and instead of just testing her willingness, actually not only DID it but managed to get her pregnant!

Since the deaths now of his friends relationship and my marriage are both apparently your fool-ass fault, I come to you in expectations that you make this right by me."

    That was getting super juicy for a minute there. Not only did this man forget NOT to fuck, he somehow managed to exhibit zero pullout game as well. He might have been able to spare his marriage by explaining how he got into that position, but a baby clearly changes the calculus. I guess my only question is how exactly does she expect ME to rectify this shit? I mean, this happened way back in December first of all. Second of all, it takes a year of legal separation in NC before they'll grant a divorce. I learned that with my ex-wife a woman I had a wedding with once. That means with it being now August that they're closer to the finish line, his baby will be born soon and hopefully she has moved along to new suitors herself.
I'd like to ask more questions about all of that, but first we need to talk to the guy who originally contacted me in December...

Him: "New phone, who dis?"

Me: "Heh--... it's Moe Phillips."

Him: "Aww man, last voice I expected to hear. Honestly bro, I should have called you back in like January."

Me: "Yeah... Before we get to why it is me calling you and not the other way around, you tell me what happened after we last spoke."

Him: "Maaaan... She absolutely fuckin tried it. Faced with what she had allowed to take place, she didn't much fight leaving my place. She crashed with a friend for like a month--..."

Me: "Mmhmm..."

Him: "Then came the missed period."

Me: "Very interesting."

Him: "So she calls me to tell me she is pregnant and she would like to try and reconcile for the sake of raising our child together."

Me: "Funny... Not unpredictable, but funny."

Him: "I told her I would willingly co-parent any child proven to be mine, but only after a DNA test given the circumstances."

Me: "And she lost her shit..."

Him: "No, she understood the hesitance and agreed to it."

Me: "We'll get to what I know in a minute, but tell me..."

Him: "Testing done at nine weeks gestation. Not my kid. I bid her all the best of luck and blocked her number forever."

Me: "And she went and raised hell at your old homie's house next."

Him: "How'd you know?"

Me: "His soon-to-be ex just called me and told me he got her pregnant. I can only infer that they also did the DNA thing and found out that he WAS the pappy."

Him: "I'm guessing so, yeah. She came to my house and tried to blame me for putting him up to it, but I explained again that he didn't have to agree to it and if he did agree he didn't have to go through with it. I can only be blamed for the smallest parts of this shit."

Me: "That's what I told her too. At least we are on the same page."

    With that, we ended the call and I had to decide how to carry this shit...
I mean, I COULD just block everyone's numbers involved and go on with my life with the intimate knowledge that Moe Phillips is not a person who exists in the real world anyway. I could turn up the heat and act even more ignorantly and cook up a shenanigous scheme to dig everyone involved in it just that much deeper, but there's about to be a kid involved and I hate to see an innocent kid have to suffer their childhood.

    The only people in this situation I haven't spoken to is the ex-girlfriend-now-baby mama and the apparent MLM prodigy who knocked her up...
... and I ain't going to attempt to either!

I called out to the soon-to-be ex wife instead...

Her: "Hello?"

Me: "It's Moe..."

Her: "Oh hey... What are you planning to do to fix this."

Me: "Wait, what were your expectations of me to fix this?"

Her: "I don't know, you supposed to be the fixer not me!"

Me: "Well nobody wants to be with a cheater, even one who becomes one under the stupidest of circumstances. But you're left with a few choices."

Her: "I'm listening."

Me: "1 - willing stepmama and never mention it again."

Her: "Fuck no!"

Me: "Pretty much standard."

Her: "What else."

Me: "Get your lick back... Go make the sex with one of his homies. If you can pull a swap and get at the dude who caused this and share the pain."

Her: "They weren't friends anymore when we split, so he wouldn't care. This feels like your fault, I feel like I should find YOUR--..."

Me: "... unless you want your soul evicted from your body, you'll never approach me in person.  My weewee is only for Mrs Phillips  Your last option is to block everyone involved, get some therapy, move on with your life and let living better be the best revenge... because it is."

Her: "You couldn't have led with that?"

Me: "Ma'am... if I was the type to START at pragmatic solutions then you'd have never known who I was to begin with."

Her: "Point taken. I think I will just do that last one."

    She thanked me for my time and I noticed the online indicator under the RCS chat in my messaging app go off, indicating she'd either gone offline or blocked me. Likely the latter.

This is me hoping -- PRAYING --  that, despite there being two more sides to this story, that they never actually come to me.