The musings of a madman...

       Ever had to deal with someone who just KNEW they know everything, despite all evidence to the opposite? Well I do that every day in my full time job, and my desire to not have to do any work again leaves me in the unfortunate position of having to straighten people out every single time, lest they will be back – still wrong – with the same problems but worse.      When I clock out, though? I practice what I like to call malicious compliance, wherein my motto is often “not my monkey, not my circus.” When my responses are tied to how efficiently my mortgage gets paid, I am better-compelled to spend the time correcting or even giving a shit about outcomes. When the barrier between me and homelessness is not being pressed, though? Good luck getting me to give a shit! Matter of fact, I am probably kicking back and waiting on the outcome for my own entertainment.      As a side hustle, I cut lawns… Just lawns, except for in ver...

       I’m not a person you want to know is on your nerves or you don’t like… At the big-ass age of 44 years and 356 days (this is a leap year), I got over the “try to make it right” shit sometime around the near-death experiences in 2003 and 2018. You don’t like me? Cool, I don’t particularly care for me either, but I love myself more than would allow me to stress myself to baldness over it, like ya mama did. To be completely honest, when I find out someone doesn’t like me – especially if I am already less-than-warm on them – I am moreso looking at how to make it WORSE than to try rectifying shit. Die mad.      Y’all wanna know something funny about Al Gore’s Rhythm on the interwebs? Once you have interacted with someone/something – be it positive or negative – you’re more likely to come back across them/it when you’re online. Bear that in mind when that one asshole you seem to always find yourself disagreeing with on a mutual friend’s posts. ...

     I just be minding my motherfuckin’ business… I also, unfortunately, have this awful habit of making it my business to make other people’s lives less-than-enjoyable for my own entertainment. With that in mind, one can more than easily imagine how often some shit I have done comes back to bite me in the ass later on down the road.      Rewind back to October, when I made a crude attempt to pitch a gameshow wherein rappers would attempt to cook crack with the prize being that they get to CONTINUE recording. I called it the Wrist Twistin’ Kitchen . Not long after that failure, I received contact from Jiggaboo Jericho Jackson and as we all remember, hilarity ensued .      In my head, I am absolutely clear of any problems that might so happen to arise from my misguided attempt to get rich on the interwebs and I am now free to move on to my continued supervillainy normal life, right? RIGHT?!!? Wrong™!      Despite, per the ...

       Humans don’t deserve dogs… I do, make no mistakes. I treat my buddies like the family members I brought them home to be. Everyone in the house talks to the boys like they’re children and I would not have it any other way. We will return to why that matters in a bit.      Lately, here in our “live forever” push, I workout 3-5 cumulative hours a day 5-6 days a week like an archdemon and Wife Person™ has gotten into yoga. She asks me frequently if I would care to join her in the yoga class and I politely decline. It just isn’t my scene, I need CHAOS in my physical activities. This doesn’t stop her from repackaging the question and asking more, though. Wife Person™: “Going to yoga after work tomorrow, you wanna come with?” Me: “Nah, I’m good.” Wife Person™: “I figured you’d say that.” Me: “But you keep askin’ though.” Wife Person™: “But I think I can change your mind this week.” Me: “I’m listening…” Wife Person™: “Puppy yoga.” Me: “PUPPIES?...

[Pt. I can be reached  here ] [Pt. II can be reached  here ] [Pt. III can be reached  here ] [Pt. IV can be reached here ]      Denim… The answer has been denim this whole time.      While we wait on the victims marks to sort this out for themselves, I will explain to you, dear readers by peeling back the options I gave to them. Fuel - too new, too far west in the city to truly have been on the ground floor of what built Greensboro. The Greensboro terminals are f’sho the conduit from the gulf states to areas north of here, but how long has America had this apparent lust for fossil fuels compared to… Tobacco - we’re getting closer now… There are still some small farms in the east of the county that grow it, but I see more solar farms out there than I do tobacco nowadays. Furthermore, Lorillard is no longer a thing and ITG aren't making Newports over in East Greensboro which removed a worldwide-known boon from what could be bragged – if...

       I am not a “people” person… Don’t take that to mean I am some hermit who has ZERO friends or acquaintances camped out in his mom’s basement criticizing women he has no chance with because “her eyes are too far apart,” I am just VERY guarded with the people I will fuck with. There are a PRECIOUS few people who can invite me outside of my house and expect me to be in attendance. I am far more likely to have them over here, frankly. … I was invited to a house party… Homie: “What’s good Phlip, you straight?” Me: “I’m good, man. What’s up?” Homie: “The weather is right, we pulling out the tents and firing the grills this weekend.” Me: “Say less…” Homie: “So you in?” Me: “Without question… What I need to bring?” Homie: “Beverage, if anything.” Me: “Your wife still drink [__]” Homie: “You know us well.” Me: “On it.” Homie: “What about you? What we on this trip?” Me: “I’m doing the sobriety thing.” Homie: “Oh yeah… You gon’ be alright around it?” Me: “GOOD-good… ...

       When I was little, I was always stoked to spend time with my granddad… At surface-level, he would come home from work in the mornings and during the summer we would be at the house already while mom was at work. Before sleeping his day off, we would go with him to play tennis on the courts at the high school around the corner from his house. We would go to the park across the street and hit golf balls. On Sunday mornings, he would take us to this little greasy spoon diner for breakfast.      During all of these excursions, he would talk to my brother and I. We would learn whether the words coming were from a positive or a corrective place depending solely on whether he started with “son” or “boy,” respectively. One time when we were about twelve we were at the diner having breakfast almost as soon as he came home from work, as in he didn’t even bother with changing clothes, when he looked over his coffee cup and says “y’all make sure, more...

       I was always a creative kid… As an adult, I can sometimes feel alone in a loud-ass room full of people. Half the people milling about on Tiktok, a portion yammering on about things that don’t particularly interest me and the remaining ones “overhearing” that group. None of it is my scene.      On the off chance that I am eventually directly addressed, my brain has sometimes gone on a small field trip to whatever fictional land it is creating in a given moment while maintaining just enough attention and eye contact to not appear checked out of the conversation in front of me. This is why I prefer text conversations to phone conversations and why I need personal interactions to also include an activity of some sort, because I daydream.      Not only do I daydream, but I LUCIDLY daydream. I will never deny guilt of this but in the middle of a workout, while at work or in a yard, my mind takes things I see or hear and sends t...

  (artist's reenactment...  My Outback is actually white)      There is fun to be had out in the world. Given other responsibilities, I am not exactly able to take advantage of as many of them as I might like, but we do what we can…      As it is now spring and I will have a steady infusion of disposable income as I watch over four (and hopefully counting) paying yards with my trusty lawn equipment, I had some time and a few nickels to rub together last weekend. Saturday morning, Wife Person™ shoved off to teach you people’s children in Saturday test-prep season and I hauled out to cut a couple of yards. I returned home before she did after collecting my fee plus tips. As the little was with my ex wife a woman I had a wedding with once, it was just the two of us and the dogs.      One thing we like to do when it is just us grownups is to escape up to the mountains for a day or two. Since, again, the little would be returni...