"The Magic Johnson Theory" a Myspace Reblog

... originally posted to my MySpace December 2007...

Everyone knows that there is usually this odd little banter between Roger and I whenever we should so happen to be in the same place at the same time for any period of time... This past Saturday, we had some shit to do, and stopped to murder someone's breakfast buffet somewhere in the middle of it and as we rode around to the "doing nothing" part of the day, happened upon a few more of our inappropriate jokes, which are usually only funny to us. To those on the outside looking in, how we usually find ourselves laughing is funnier than the actual subject matter, but that is the caveat of having a morbid sense of humor.
I mean, we MIGHT have talked about how Jessica Alba is allegedly pregnant, and how she allegedly is in need of a prescription for Valtrex. For those too lazy to click a link and learn themselves up, or don't already know, I invite you to think of the commercials where people are smiling all the way through while they snowmobile, hang glide, climb rocks, bicycle and make herpes look like it as fun as a fucking vacation. Yes, Valtrex is herpes control medicine. Furthermore, we might have mentioned how we could see someone employing the "gotchabitch" approach to getting and keeping a woman as his means to keeping her around, getting her pregnant. We THEN opined that a lesser minded individual would rationalize raw-dogging a broad with herpes if she looked like a Jessica Alba and the motions were being taken to place one in position to be with her forever... Look at it like this; the relationship would be slated to last forever, and we all should have learned in high school phys ed that herpes is forever, like diamonds or luggage. Melding the 2, considering that HE is to have it and SHE is to have it, what new worries of getting it are they to worry about?
Yes, I know the whole idea is quite fucked, but it is far from the ultimate star of this show. That's right, as fucked up as rationalizing the catching and having of herpes is, when hashed out between 2 otherwise even-minded individuals might seem, we kept right on going, using the idea of "shit, I got it, she got, WE got it, no worries about cheating" approach to serve out to another "theory" of sorts.
This, as it were, is an evolution or just outright change in one of my old theories... I was once under the mind that Magic Johnson was cleared of his lifetime with the HIV because he is wealthy and my uncle Bill was not... I described something quite metaphoric to this back on February 18, 2007, I developed what was at the time a high-level overview of my original theory into a fantasy, of sorts, somewhat realistic, very unlikely and wholly entertaining, to say the least, starting from the title and filtering down to and through each and every single word.
What does it mean? I am glad you asked, I will get right to that, right nowish.
Even non sports fans know who Earvin Effay "Magic" Johnson, Jr. is, and his exploits with his claims to have contracted the HIV virus, then came the philanthropy thing, then came his claims to have been "cured" of his ailment, thusly making him the first recorded case that I have ever heard of to actually be cured of HIV or AIDS... It goes a little deeper than that, it is not about him being so rich that he can afford to get the cure, as opposed to toiling his life away being bankrupted chasing the cure with that shit they call "treatment." On November 7, 1991, a 32 year old Magic announced that he had "it," and that he would be retiring from the NBA immediately. Oddly, he would hang around close enough to play in the all star game and Olympics in February and July of 1992, respectively. Was he not worried about what he could easily bring upon his peers and/or opponents in a full-contact professional sport?
Another thing; when you've found that your mate has cheated on you, often you seek vindication by going out and securing a little of the same for yourself in retaliation... Everyone knows of the exploits of NBA players and the capers they go through on the road with groupies and the likes. I am in REFUSAL to believe that Magic was any exception to the rule/precedent. That being said, sometime or another, he fucked around on Earlitha "Cookie" Johnson, who he had only married only 2 or so months before coming clean that he was HIV'd. Now, as a very rich man, who is newly married with child on the way, and (now, looking back on the whole thing) on the verge of turning that corner from "rich" to "wealthy," and having secured ALL the success there is to experience in your profession, as a 5-time champion, 11 (at the time, one more to come)-time all star, 3-times (each) regular season and finals MVP, and in 12 years become lauded as the BEST to play your particular position, what do you do? You find yourself in the STUPID rare and unlikely/unrealistic position where you have NOTHING remained to gain; it is time for damage control, even if you're not taking on any "damage."
Anyone who doesn't see the system as it is related to pregnancy being slighted towards women, even the ones unfit to carry, let alone be the custodial parent of a child is either blind, stupid, delusional, a single mother, or some combination of any of the described elements.
Do you know what Cookie Johnson looks like? Tell you what, have a heterosexual male pride moment on me:

Keep in mind, now that I was unable to locate her vital statistics (age, etc) online, so I will deal in inferences now... Magic Johnson is 48 years old right now, the safest of assumptions is that his wife would be within his age range, give or take 3-5 years either way. If she looks THAT good in her late 40's, when I decide whether or not I am joking about this whole "future ex wife" shit, then find myself married and in my late 40's and my wife looks like THAT, then I have fucking succeeded in all that the shallow side of my life hopes to accomplish. I would then look to what I might need to do to preserve that, even if in the face of my own fuckups. I need to keep her in my life and keep her mine, as when we're playing with multimillions, "cheaper to keep her" is never to EVER be more applicable. Ask Juanita Jordan. Imagine what she looked like in her early 30's when this all went down. See what I mean?
As a single and heterosexual male, there are a few things that are GUARANTEED to keep me from making sex with a woman, even a celebrity's wife, and none of those things are related to moral hang-ups, religious differences or (yes, I am going to say it) how aesthetically pleasing she is, as my dick has one eye that cannot see... That being said, when laying down with the idea that "I'ma be done with this bish as soon as bodily fluid has been excused," the LARGEST overriding factor would be the presence (or potential/believed presence) of a venereal disease... This turns over one million fold when it is one of those ones that you CAN NOT get rid of, based upon current level of world knowledge.
Magic was a smart man; he preserved all moneys he had banked to that point, not to mention secured all that he may bank from then on... How? By making sure that NOBODY would WANT to fuck his wife. Look, he basically told the world "I have HIV, which means I will eventually die of AIDS... My wife is pregnant, which means that she has taken on a load of my fluids, which specifically means that if YOU fuck her, then YOU could get it too..." At this point, he has brandished her with the scarlet letter "H," whether or not she EVER actually turns up with HIV. He has ALSO ruined her, should she EVER try and get cute and leave, thusly corralling her into hanging in and supporting like the loving wife that she should be. The whole time, his money stays safe.
She also can't go out and get herself that "revenge dick," and her vageen has been rendered largely useless to anyone not named Earvin Effay "Magic" Johnson, Jr.
Sure, he is from Detroit and can't talk worth a shit, but DAMN is this not a brilliant plan. Look at it, he:
Gets himself a beautiful woman.
Fucks around a little while.
Announces the presence of an incurable disease that would ruin BOTH of their sex lives with anyone but each other, whether or not he actually has it.
Smile the whole time, as the trap is set.
Go on from "rich" to "wealthy."

Ladies and gentlemen, pregnancy is a hustle that is slighted to the hands of women, Magic Johnson used the only card he had to make sure that woman stayed RIGHT where the fuck he needed her to be, further securing that NO ONE who was sane would try and fuck her while he was off making can become billions for forthcoming generations to enjoy. All things considered, he was making sure he kept the fatback out of his wife's ass long enough to set himself up, and after a hall of fame (even if short) career, I can't say as I blame him.
Magic told the world he had HIV so NOBODY would fuck his wife, simple as that, and it happened to have been among the smartest moves I have seen made in my 28½ years on this planet. I will not repeat it, but it was brilliant, no less.


Tony Grands said…
Interesting theory.
Culture said…
ur jokin', right? cause i the context of a funny conspiracy theory, it works, its a great drop, had me laughing. if ur serious... u just may need to get laid more...

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