True Story©... Moe Phillips: Inadvertent Homewrecker

     Soon after separation, but before divorce, I was only about half-serious about dating.  To be honest, I gave about a fuck about dating to be honest and didn’t really want to be around people except to make sex, and then get on with my life.

I was also TERRIBLY bored of it all and mildly annoyed with even THAT go of it, so I sometimes made a point of poisoning some situations just to see how far I could take it.
Not with EVERY woman I met, mind you, just the ones I really saw nothing – not even a quick roll in the hay – with.  Enter Moe Phillips: Supervillain Esq…

     I didn’t address every woman I encountered as Moe.  In fact, I generally maintained two profiles, one as Phillip [redacted] and one as Moe Phillips.  I didn’t catfish anyone; just know that I have looked like three different people in my adult life…

-   Me with dreads and could be bothered to shave/trim every couple of days.

-   Me, still with dreads and--…  Fuck that shaving shit.

-   Me without dreads and still refusing to THINK about shaving regularly.

(I have literally not seen my cheeks since 2011)

…  and various points in between.

Anyway…  Not catfishing anyone, just properly curating real images of me to properly be two different people with plausible differences in my physical appearance.

     So one day I am chatting this girl up on the Moe profile and the conversation is going wonderfully.  I am SURE I can NetFlix & Chill her, ironically using my exes NetFlix credentials which she on-purpose left on my PlayStation for the weeks the princess is with me.  We have advanced through the “getting to know you” phase, into the “why are you single” messy part and now we’re FAR into the flirty/sexy talk, she asks me about the most daring thing that has happened to me, sexually.

Me (well, Moe): “Must we?”

Her: “I wanna know, yeah.”

Me: “It’s kind of embarrassing though.”

Her: “Well now I really wanna know”

Me: “That’s messed up.”

Her: “You’ve piqued my interests”

Me: “Silly me, no?”

Her: “Yes, now when you gon tell me this story.”

Me: “Well you twisting my arm.”

Her: “You reached it out for me to twist.”

Me: “Aight, fine…  So a couple of months ago, I was chilling with this one chick and--…  Wait a second”

Her: “No no, ain’t now ‘wait’ now.  You telling this story.”

Me: “No, I’m saying…  First, this ain’t how I am, I ain’t know she had a dude or nothing, she presented herself as single and shit.”

Her: “Okay, I see…  Continue?”

Me: “Aight.  So we speak for a couple of weeks, I ask her out and she counters by asking me ‘in,’ get it?”

Her: “Yeah, haha.”

Me: “So yeah…  She asks me in, she feeds me and everything but NEVER invites me in the bedroom.  Just lights out and she reaches down my pants while we on the couch and shit.”

Her: “Oh shit!”

Me: “Tell me about it!”

Her: “But you aren’t at that part of the story yet, are you?”

Me: “Shit, I have my pants off by now and she got a hand full of it, now.  So things progress and we’re all the way into it right?”

Her: “So what about her dude?”

Me: “Getting there too, have patience.”

Her: “Okay.”

Me: “Aight…  So I am prone to doing SILLY shit when I probably shouldn’t, even during sex.”

Her: “Like what?”

Me: “Alright, so I got her bent over the loveseat--…  Fuckit, lust seat.  I’m hitting from behind.  You know how you, like, can’t SEE what is happening back there as far as hands go if he ain’t grabbing hips.”

Her: “Right?”

Me: “Like I say, SILLY shit.”

Her: “What did you do?”

Me: “Well, n**ga, I start throwing gang signs and shit.  I ain’t NEVER been NEAR a gang!”

Her: “HAHAHA! *GASP*  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Me: “I ain’t done!”

Her: “What could be better than that?”

Me: “You forgot about her dude…”

Her: “SHIT!”

Me: “Right, this dude come home mid-stroke and start raging.  Must have been in a rival gang or some shit.  Doesn’t even stop in the living room, runs right to the room, all the lights off and everything.”

Her: “What did she do or say?”

Me: “Told me there was a gun in that room and to run.”

Her: “And you?”

Me: “I fucking LISTENED, I got my pants and ran outside, dick still--…  Nevermind that part.”

Her: “And him?”

Me: “He come out the room, gun out and instead of pursuing me, stays and argues with her.  My car was parked in a way that I couldn’t get to it without going RIGHT by his field of vision, so I am camped out in their back yard.”

Her: “And--…”

Me: “… put my pants on, though.”

Her: “Ha.  And how did you get away?”

Me: “How you know I got away?”

Her: “You’re on this phone with me.”

Me: “Oh shit…  Yeah.  I thought quick on my feet.”

Her: “What’d you do?”

Me: “You know how when Duke Energy disconnects, they REMOVE the meter so you don’t put the shit back on yourself--…”

Her: “Holy shit!”

Me: “Yep!”

Her: “What next?”

Me: “I went around the house, yanked the tab off of it, screwed it off and threw it in the neighbor’s trashcan.”

Her: “And then?”

Me: “I hear them arguing the whole time.”

Her: “So?”

Me: “When they FINALLY attempted to turn the lights on in the living room in the middle of all this mess, they don’t work.  I moved from the back to the side of the house, listened for the back door to open and I fucking ran for it.”

Her: “Smart.”

Me: “…  and then I blocked her number and profile.  I found her on Facebook with that phone number and blocked that too.”

Her: “And she never saw you around?”

Me: “I hope not.  I can’t imagine throwing their electricity meter in the trash to stay alive would go over too tough when they had to explain it to Duke.”

Her: “Wow.”

Me: “S’what the broad gets for being a damned cheater.”

Her: “Super wow”

     By this time, I was running out of steam and couldn’t keep this story moving.  Apparently God heard my prayers and she stopped asking questions.

We’d been on the phone about an hour or so by this time and she had been THOROUGHLY entertained.  It was a small miracle that I didn't laugh and have to come clean.  We only corresponded through text here and there, but I am imagining she friendzoned me after my Moe’s antics, because I never took it any deeper with her than the antics that created that story anyway.

It was for the better, though.  If I was actually serious, I would have hit her up as Phillip, not Moe.