True Story©... Moe Phillips: Inadvertent Homewrecker
Soon after
separation, but before divorce, I was only about half-serious about
dating. To be honest, I gave about a
fuck about dating to be honest and didn’t really want to be around people
except to make sex, and then get on with my life.
I was also TERRIBLY bored of it all and mildly annoyed with
even THAT go of it, so I sometimes made a point of poisoning some situations
just to see how far I could take it.
Not with EVERY woman I met, mind you, just the ones I really saw nothing – not even a quick roll in the hay – with. Enter Moe Phillips: Supervillain Esq…
Not with EVERY woman I met, mind you, just the ones I really saw nothing – not even a quick roll in the hay – with. Enter Moe Phillips: Supervillain Esq…
I didn’t address
every woman I encountered as Moe. In
fact, I generally maintained two profiles, one as Phillip [redacted] and one as Moe
Phillips. I didn’t catfish anyone;
just know that I have looked like three different people in my adult life…
- Me
with dreads and could be bothered to shave/trim every couple of days.
- Me,
still with dreads and--… Fuck that
shaving shit.
- Me
without dreads and still refusing to THINK about shaving regularly.
(I have literally not seen my cheeks since 2011)
… and various points
in between.
Anyway… Not
catfishing anyone, just properly curating real images of me to properly be two
different people with plausible differences in my physical appearance.
So one day I am chatting
this girl up on the Moe profile and the conversation is going wonderfully. I am SURE I can NetFlix & Chill her,
ironically using my exes NetFlix credentials which she on-purpose left on my
PlayStation for the weeks the princess is with me. We have advanced through the “getting to know
you” phase, into the “why are you single” messy part and now we’re FAR into the
flirty/sexy talk, she asks me about the most daring thing that has happened to
me, sexually.
Me (well, Moe): “Must we?”
Her: “I wanna know, yeah.”
Me: “It’s kind of embarrassing though.”
Her: “Well now I really wanna know”
Me: “That’s messed up.”
Her: “You’ve piqued my interests”
Me: “Silly me, no?”
Her: “Yes, now when you gon tell me this story.”
Me: “Well you twisting my arm.”
Her: “You reached it out for me to twist.”
Me: “Aight, fine… So a couple of months ago, I was chilling
with this one chick and--… Wait a second”
Her: “No no, ain’t now ‘wait’ now. You telling this story.”
Me: “No, I’m saying… First, this ain’t how I am, I ain’t know she
had a dude or nothing, she presented herself as single and shit.”
Her: “Okay, I see… Continue?”
Me: “Aight.
So we speak for a couple of weeks, I ask her out and she counters by
asking me ‘in,’ get it?”
Her: “Yeah, haha.”
Me: “So yeah…
She asks me in, she feeds me and everything but NEVER invites me in the
bedroom. Just lights out and she reaches down my pants
while we on the couch and shit.”
Her: “Oh shit!”
Me: “Tell me about it!”
Her: “But you aren’t at that part of the story
yet, are you?”
Me: “Shit, I have my pants off by now and she
got a hand full of it, now. So things
progress and we’re all the way into it right?”
Her: “So what about her dude?”
Me: “Getting there too, have patience.”
Her: “Okay.”
Me: “Aight…
So I am prone to doing SILLY shit when I probably shouldn’t, even during
sex.”
Her: “Like what?”
Me: “Alright, so I got her bent over the
loveseat--… Fuckit, lust seat. I’m hitting from
behind. You know how you, like, can’t
SEE what is happening back there as far as hands go if he ain’t grabbing hips.”
Her: “Right?”
Me: “Like I say, SILLY shit.”
Her: “What did you do?”
Me: “Well, n**ga, I start throwing gang signs
and shit. I ain’t NEVER been NEAR a
gang!”
Her: “HAHAHA! *GASP* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Me: “I ain’t done!”
Her: “What could be better than that?”
Me: “You forgot about her dude…”
Her: “SHIT!”
Me: “Right, this dude come home mid-stroke and
start raging. Must have been in a rival
gang or some shit. Doesn’t even stop in
the living room, runs right to the room, all the lights off and everything.”
Her: “What did she do or say?”
Me: “Told me there was a gun in that room and to
run.”
Her: “And you?”
Me: “I fucking LISTENED, I got my pants and ran
outside, dick still--… Nevermind that
part.”
Her: “And him?”
Me: “He come out the room, gun out and instead
of pursuing me, stays and argues with her.
My car was parked in a way that I couldn’t get to it without going RIGHT
by his field of vision, so I am camped out in their back yard.”
Her: “And--…”
Me: “… put my pants on, though.”
Her: “Ha.
And how did you get away?”
Me: “How you know I got away?”
Her: “You’re on this phone with me.”
Me: “Oh shit…
Yeah. I thought quick on my feet.”
Her: “What’d you do?”
Me: “You know how when Duke Energy disconnects,
they REMOVE the meter so you don’t put the shit back on yourself--…”
Her: “Holy shit!”
Me: “Yep!”
Her: “What next?”
Me: “I went around the house, yanked the tab off
of it, screwed it off and threw it in the neighbor’s trashcan.”
Her: “And then?”
Me: “I hear them arguing the whole time.”
Her: “So?”
Me: “When they FINALLY attempted to turn the lights on in
the living room in the middle of all this mess, they don’t work. I moved from the back to the side of the
house, listened for the back door to open and I fucking ran for it.”
Her: “Smart.”
Me: “…
and then I blocked her number and profile. I found her on Facebook with that phone
number and blocked that too.”
Her: “And she never saw you around?”
Me: “I hope not.
I can’t imagine throwing their electricity meter in the trash to stay
alive would go over too tough when they had to explain it to Duke.”
Her: “Wow.”
Me: “S’what the broad gets for being a damned
cheater.”
Her: “Super wow”
By this time, I
was running out of steam and couldn’t keep this story moving. Apparently God heard my prayers and she
stopped asking questions.
We’d been on the phone about an hour or so by this time and
she had been THOROUGHLY entertained. It was a small miracle that I didn't laugh and have to come clean. We
only corresponded through text here and there, but I am imagining she friendzoned me after my Moe’s antics, because I never took it any deeper
with her than the antics that created that story anyway.
It was for the better, though. If I was actually serious, I would have hit her up as Phillip, not Moe.
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