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How to have a baby... LIKE A BOSS

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Fun fact: On June 22, 2011 there was not a SINGLE baby item in my house… Then I left work on June 23, 2011. As ever, I jumped in the car, picked up my mother and took her home. As I walked in the house, Katie was ending a call and advised me that she was pregnant. To those who know what we WERE planning, this was a ton of bricks on the both of us. For the entire of the prior 7 months, Katie was planning for a bariatric surgery and had a schedule date of 06/28. The pregnancy test that had (now) cancelled surgery was a part of the pre-surgery performed on EVERY woman scheduled to have it. As active and consenting adults, the disappointment of this happening when it happened was one thing, but the urgency of planning for a baby overrides such sensibilities. We went to premarital counseling immediately upon receipt of the news and started planning. OB appointment set for the following week to establish how far along we are and begin some REAL planning for this. ...
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True Story©... Crashout Assistance

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"Bro I'm finna crash the fuck out and need you to talk me down." So we just all gas and no brakes here on this fine afternoon, huh. Me: "First of all, why the fuck you at my house at noon on a Tuesday?" Homie: "I told you, I'm about to crash out on this b--..." Me: "Crash out on WHO!? And for what?" Homie: "My wife, man... You know when I work from home, everyone in the house knows to leave me alone in the basement unless I come upstairs. I come up on a break and find a positive pregnancy test in the upstairs bathroom." Me: "Congratulations, my G." Homie: "I had a vasectomy in 2023." Me: "Valid crashout, lemme get my shoes and we'll ride out." Homie: "That's what I needed to hear."      Damn, it is Tuesday in frigid-ass fuckin January and Phillip has to go out and do Moe Phillips shit on my homie's wife without a plan. This is gonna be good. I tossed on some shoes, grabbed m...
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True Story© I Nearly Ended the Feral Pig Apocalypse Once

I HATE talking on the phone. If you ever so feel inclined to call me on the phone, contain everything you need to say into 180 or fewer seconds, and try to make it include an arrangement to meet in person and have a conversation if one needs to be had.  Otherwise, text me.                 I really don’t answer my phone except for from a very few people, and even those people will try not to try and call me unless just necessary. I knew the day the call came from a private number that I was setting myself up for some bullshit… *Phone rings* Me: “Hello?” Caller: “Evans!” Me: “Who is this?” Agent: “You didn’t save the number last time?” Me: “Private number, I don’t know your voice…  Identify yourself.” Agent: “Master control calling, we have a big proje--…” Me: “Wait, the same motherfuckers that dispatched me to Vietnam?” Agent: “Can I please at least explain why it is that ...
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