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How to have a baby... LIKE A BOSS

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Fun fact: On June 22, 2011 there was not a SINGLE baby item in my house… Then I left work on June 23, 2011. As ever, I jumped in the car, picked up my mother and took her home. As I walked in the house, Katie was ending a call and advised me that she was pregnant. To those who know what we WERE planning, this was a ton of bricks on the both of us. For the entire of the prior 7 months, Katie was planning for a bariatric surgery and had a schedule date of 06/28. The pregnancy test that had (now) cancelled surgery was a part of the pre-surgery performed on EVERY woman scheduled to have it. As active and consenting adults, the disappointment of this happening when it happened was one thing, but the urgency of planning for a baby overrides such sensibilities. We went to premarital counseling immediately upon receipt of the news and started planning. OB appointment set for the following week to establish how far along we are and begin some REAL planning for this. ...
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Ghetto-ass names; they're my birth control

I work in a place where I have to actually talk to people from doctors' offices. Often times, I see or hear people with names that cause me to HONESTLY question: what the fuck their parents were thinking when they saddled them with it? if said parents were even a MOMENT over the age of 16 when they named them? are fathers REALLY so pretentious as to need to name their DAUGHTERS after themselves? Enlisting the assistance of The Katie in the name of collection of the names as presented, as well as offering up a few of her own, I have compiled here a list of some of the most egregious of the names I have since come across... If you happen upon this list and find your name, don't take it personally... If you happen upon this list and you see the name of YOUR child, TAKE IT PERSONALLY and apologize to your children as soon as possible. If you've bestowed one of these names upon an as-yet unborn child, please rethink your strategy, use a different and STILL apologize to your chi...
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Maybe I am different or something?

The number of people I contact on the daily from different regions of the country/world is enormous. What kills me, though, is the rules to this language we speak that seem to be lost even on people who have grown up speaking/typing/writing it. It really is sad. Say it with me, people. "Conversate" is NOT a word... ANY time you feel so inclined as to use it when speaking, STOP without including that "-ate" suffix and no one in the room worth their salt will look at you like a retard. "Irregardless ," is ALSO not a word... Omit the "-ir" prefix and you've successfully avoided the use or a word that renders itself a double negative. "Then " - this word is to indicate that something took place at a particular place in time, either to describe something that has happened ("back then") or immediately/soon following ("she swung on me, and then I punched her ass out"). "Than" - "as opposed to," or...
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