The musings of a madman...

      It's spring, y'all, that means I'm back cutting grass for the money… Not that I'm hurting for cash in a two-income household, but I really do love the additional cash in hand if I wanna just up and grab me and/or Wife Person™ a new pair of Nikes or just be like "cover up your titties and put on some shoes, we going to eat something good" on a Sunday morning without first checking my account balance.      Which brings us to last Friday… I got off at 5 and did a quick first-cut on a new client, took me an hour including travel back home. Barely broke a sweat, didn't even unload when I got to the house, just locked up and ran in the house to wash up real quick and told Wife Person™ let's go eat. Her: "Where we going?" Me: "Put your shoes on and get in that white station wagon out there." She stopped asking questions and put on her shoes. I threw mine on and off we were!      At an to-remained-unnamed restaurant, we were seate...

  (Don't ask me why the editor change the color of my soles, smh)      We moved into this house on October 20, 2021. July 3, 2022, I made an active decision to buckle the rest of the way down in my weight loss and health journey and set aside alcohol. Given the nature of and reasoning behind that decision, most of my meals are home-cooked and almost always by me because I work from home in my full-time. Sometimes, though, I find myself, either through my schedule or just a simple need to break the monotony, needing to venture out for sustenance other than what is in my fridge.        A weird thing about this side of town since I moved over here is that two chicken spots, a sandwich shop, a Hardee's and a Chinese takeout joint have all closed. This greatly limits what I can acquire on a standard 30 minute lunch break. Well, it WOULD limit it if not for the FOUR taco trucks I could walk to from my house. Each one stakes the exact same semi-...

       I seriously hate when things I thought I had dispatched of boomerang right back to me. I hate worse when those things happen to mix themselves with what I've had going on in the meantime before returning. Worst of all, I hate when the shit happens REAL quickly. My doorbell rang... Me: "Nonono, nope... Not doing this again!" Them: "But I NEED you!" Me: "You just finished wasting my time in February , what the hell is it now?" Ramsbottom: "Sadly, it's--…" Me: "Dammit to hell! Dig Bick Throbbers again!?" Ramsbottom: "God, I hate having to come to you with th--…" Me: "… aight, you be easy. Sticky side down, shiny side up." I attempted to step back into the house and close the door to return to work. Ramsbottom: "They're not even trying to hide this time. They're back to the old name and all." Me: "Well we established that they're protected by a power apparently greater than t...

  (artist's rendering)      I've been busy, and I'm here to expla--... S'cuse me, I need to throw back to a phone call I made a few weeks ago... Them: "I been kinda waiting on this call." Me: "Bro, you said my name in a track?" Jericho: "Heh, yeah I kinda did. It was a compliment, a thanks though." Me: "Appreciate it, I guess. I mean, I ain't do MOST of that shit you said I did though." Jericho: "That's the game... We all cappin' to be totally honest." Me: "Well now I'm involved." Jericho: "What?" Me: "If my name is attached, so shall be my work." Jericho: "Again... What!?" Me: "I'mma help you, but I'mma HELP-help you." Jericho: "Sheeeeeid, that's all you had to say! What we getting up to?" Me: "First of all, get rid of that fuckin' voice modulator. I listened to your album and it--..." Jericho: "But it's fun...

"Bro, I need some advice real quick." Ahh shit... I know how this goes. Me: "Does that 'advice' involve my cashapp account?" Him: "Nah, I'm up right now and that's kinda the problem." Me: "Oh, this should be good. What's up?" Him: "So my neighbor, the--..." Me: "The hot headed wee feller that is aggressively balding in his 20s? The one with the V6 charger racing Altimas on Randleman Road." Him: "Hahaha, that's the one. He called me this morning." Me: "From next door? What for!?" Him: "From Sycamore Street." Me: "Oh shit... What he done did now? They finally get him for street racing?" Him: "Nah... Assault, but it does involve that stupid ass car." Me: "He tried the wrong Altima and got his feelings hurt and hit somebody baby mama?" Him: "Somehow this is worse than that fully unhinged but somehow completely plausible idea you're...

I was going to call, I swear! I'm chilling at my desk Monday when the phone rings... Me: "Hello?" Caller: "I just text you a link." Me: "Bro, I found that link last week. I don't use Spotify when Google packages YouTube Music on the Pixel automatically. Also, good morning Jigga--... shit, Jericho Jackson." Jericho: "You can call me Blicky Bobby now." Me: "I will call you by your fucking name." Jericho: "Fine... So..." Me: "'So' what?" Jericho: "So what did you think?" Me: "Y'know what? I'mma give you this assessment one by one.  We'll do it in real time, even though I built these opinions like a week and a half ago." Jericho: "Thank you." I pulled up the EP TrapAllDayAndNight - The Ballad of Blicky Bobby and my notes to compare track name to what I'd intended to say whenever I spoke to him.  I queued all tracks up and hit play... Me: "Track one,...

  Valentine's Day is this weekend, y'all...      While in general, I don't really much care for or about the day, there are little things in sometimes notice as I travel about my plans from week to week. I made a trip through Walmart and one to Walgreens for general merchandise and to refill a prescription, respectively, within the last few weeks. While I was in Walgreens in particular -- mainly because they're all the size of my kitchen now -- I noticed that the whole Plan B display was completely empty. The comedian in me saw how that could be a trip, what with St Valentine's Day approaching, but thought nothing of it.      When I went to Walmart, I had to go to the health and beauty section for body wash and such items. Passing the "family planning" section, I noticed--... wait... Does anyone other than me find it at all weird that what they call the "family planning" section of the drug stores is ACTUALLY the "planning NOT to make a ...

     Where were we? Oh yes, ride along!      They arranged to come and get me two days later, of course after assembling their team and getting the marching orders coordinated with all involved participants.  Gotta make sure no one gets smoked not knowing where they should be standing, y'know. The morning of the jumpout, I got a text from Ramsbottom to be ready in an hour and waiting in the front at the end of my driveway. I got ready and let the dogs out one last time for the afternoon and we were off as soon as they arrived. Before setting out, they explained that THEIR legal duty is that I, as a civilian, had to sit back and observe only.  I could not be involved or in the line of potential fire, or even visible in their body cams. This means they would not be allowed to let me out of the car until whatever happens has happened, and that anything I saw in this interaction would have to be from whatever distance they parked.    ...

  (this pic again?  y'all know what time it is!)      So I'm home Tuesday afternoon, on my lunch break enjoying Monday night's leftovers when the dogs snap to attention. Someone is outside. As a general rule, I don't address people who come to my door without me expecting them unless they're delivering a package -- which kind of means I WAS expecting them -- instead I'll just leave their asses on the porch until they lose interest and move along. I won't even check the camera. This particular visitor, though, they rang the bell four times and then started knocking. "What the hell!?" I say as I go to the door and open it...      Instinctively, I lock the screen door and take a step back when I see one uniformed officer and another man who is clearly law enforcement as well before addressing them. Once I make this maneuver and focus on who is standing on my porch, my expression changes... Me: "Well I'll be damned, never thought I'd s...