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True Story©... Holiday Conundrum Pt II - The Conclusion

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  [ Phlip note : if you weren't here last week, please start there before continuing ] Welcome back... Me: "'Fuck you mean *I* gotta fix the future of Christmas!?" Santa: "You're the one who told me to go and get these Big Dick--..." Me: "... no--..." Santa: "Dig Bick Throbbers. You talked me into going to get these things. Now they're clearly sending my elves into cardiac trauma and it is up to you to fix it." Me: "Have you considered taking away their narcotics, and maybe -- I'ono -- SOLVE the problem?" Santa: "It's too late for that now!" Me: "Dude, you said you could get through Christmas '25 and the real issue is down the road. That means you have--..." Santa: "... WE!!!" Me: "YOU have time. I work an office job and do landscaping. You're Santa fuckin Claus, the one with the magic and shit. Remember that wild ass- bag of coal you gave me that time?" Santa: ...
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True Story©... Reinvention

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       Where these motherfuckers be getting my number from? I mean with this one, we knew he had my number but I still don't have a damned clue where he got it from. That's right, my phone rang... Me: "Hello?" Caller: "Okay, so you were right." Me: "About what? Whodis?" Caller: "About selling t-shirts not being worth it  That shit was a WHOLE mess." Me: "Jigga--... Y'know what?  I'm not gon' pile on today... Jericho Jackson!" Jericho: "Yeah man..." Me: "So you going to the welding program to get your certificate?" Jericho: "Dafuq? Hell no! I'm going back to rapping!" Me: "Bro, it's been TWO WEEKS!" Jericho: "I know man, but I made sense of the math you gave me and said 'fuck that'." "Me: "Smart...  But also, your raps were ass!" Jericho: "No, my CONCEPT was ass. I'm getting off the Jiggaboo Jackson thing, I told you tha...
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True Story©... A Holiday Conundrum

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  I was off work on Tuesday...      I LITERALLY spent the day on the couch, complaining about the fact that nothing comes on television that interests me in the daytime until I eventually just dozed the hell off. Well, almost literally... I had an appointment in the morning and had to step out into the abusive cold for a couple of hours, but then I was home on the couch bitching about television as I described above...      While teetering between napping and wondering how the hell Pat McAfee can get away with cussing on television at noon, even on cable, I would have SWORN I heard the "chingchingching" sound we've been conditioned to think of when we think of Santa on his sleigh. "I'm trippin, lemme get this little nap in and I got some straightening up to do before anyone gets home" was the first thought in my head and closed my eyes back.      It should be noted that in this house I actually do have a chimney and a fireplace unlike...
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