(28) Rules Changes

Ladies and gentlemen, I have taken on yet another full-time gig. Those that know me best know that I have only had 4 full-time jobs in the 12 years that I have been working full time, I will use this, my newest one as a supplement to my income and have a reason to spend time analyzing and looking over something I terribly enjoy. In such, I will not be quitting the old job, seeing as how the work that I will need to do most for the new one can be done from a computer during and/or after work.
Keep in mind, now, that I did not apply for this job, I just decided that I wanted and went in and took it. Think somewhere along the lines of Fidel Castro in Cuba, Joseph Mobutu in Congo and George W. in 2000. I just walked in the fucking door and took the job and dare anyone effected by it to do something about it, care to try me? I will quit killing you talking AROUND what I will be doing, I am just going to tell you.
... right after I explain that the NBA is tore it's own ass with rule changes, becoming a little more bitchy about the calling of technical fouls, trying to dial us out of being able to see one of the few exciting things about someone dribbling about the court (see the "palming" rule changes), and lets just not get into the changing the ball with ZERO lead-in, just "here, colored boys, here is a new ball, ain't it pretty? NOW GO MAKE ME SOME MONEY"
[Phlip note - see how that turned out?]
Enough... Simply put, I am taking David Stern's place as the commissioner of the NBA. He has stated no interest in retiring as yet, nor has anyone told me that I could have the job, but I have decided that I am the best man for the job, in such, I and just going to fucking take it. I can understand steps taken to "protect" players and fans, all while increasing the number of tickets sold, but the shit I am seeing is becoming plain deplorable, and I have had enough. I'm running up in the office, then making off with what the fuck ever changes in the rules I want to.
Now that I am on the job, I have a few things that I am going to change, along with an either "fundamental" or "quid pro quo" reason for the change. With no further frivolous verbiage, let us summarize the changes:

Dress Code
How fucking lame was this change in the first place? One little fight in Detroit and David Stern decides that the way the players are to dress as they enter and exit the arena will help to restore the league's sullen image? Look, I am watching basketball game, I EXPECT to see some rich dude getting out of his Bentley wearing some shoes that he got for free, but still manage him a whole separate paycheck from his "job," and I FURTHER expect him to be wearing something that matches those $150.00 sneakers. In fact, why in the hell should the COACH have to wear a damned suit? I find it hard to place credibility into someone giving me instruction as to how I should be completing an athletic task if they have on a custom tailored suit and hard bottoms, am I wrong for that?
In fact, I will take this and make it the polar opposite of what it almost seemed that mr predecessor was looking to do... Any player showing to the game in a suit will be fined $10k, special concessions would be given to buy strategically faded jeans with shit on the pockets, gaudily huge belt buckles and long thick chains with medallions and shit.
In the summer, all tattoos allowed to be seen in public legally are to be prominently on display within reason. By "within reason," I mean I don't want to see nipples, you are to have on at LEAST a wife beater. Violators pay $2,500 first offense, and the fine doubles each additional in linear fashion ($2.5k, $5k, $10k... you get it) up to a total of $40,000. Then I stop fining you, I arrange to have your mother's house broken into at halftime of a home game and beaten, as you watch on the jumbo tron overhead.

Technical Fouls
I mean, you're playing the sport that requires you to be in among the best physical shape of ANY professional sport aside from soccer, seeing as how you do not stop moving the entire course of the game, seeing as how you are offense AND defense. Strategically, you often do these at the same time. In such, you should be allowed to complain if the situation you find yourself in doesn't quite go the way you might like for it to.Who am I to take that from you? The referees, if they had your athletic ability, would be IN the game, not making subjectively driven decisions based upon what should be purely objective.
Taunting? No longer a technical foul, if he didn't deserve to be taunted, he would not have gotten dunked on.
Bitching about a call/no call? No longer a technical foul. UNLESS the referee is physically assaulted, but no suspensions will take place for even that, unless you knock him out. The "knockout" rule is completely thrown out of the window if the knockout is a "one hitter quitter," hit him once and ONLY once, if he is unconscious, you will not be assessed a technical foul, no fines or suspensions will commence.

This rule, given the events of the past few seasons will have some potentially confusing addendums, but I will attempt to keep it as simple as I am willing.
Hockey is cool, the players are allowed to fight, within reason, being penalized nothing more than a few minutes in a little box, then all is better and your back on the floor. The NBA needs something like that. From here forth, fighting is "allowed," but both participants, if it is a fair one-on-one fight, will be assessed 3 minutes of penalty time and the game will commence 4-on-4, with no mind or thought the position of the penalized players. The only reason a substitution is allowed in this penalty time is if someone is so badly injured that they cannot stand, they foul out or if they pass away.
If anyone jumps into the fight, they will also be penalized with time in the box. If it is a player from the floor, then their time is increased to 5 minutes. If a player exits the bench, then he shall be forced to sit in the penalty box until he kisses the teammate he came off the bench to help, like the fucking faggot he is.
*Vernon Maxwell/Antonio Davis rule*
Striking fans is strictly verboten.
... unless your family is involved, then you have my endorsement to tee the fuck off on them.
*Ron Artest rule*
Next time you decide to act like you're not going to get involved, please stick to your guns. Anyone taking action after this, gets a LIFETIME ban to sit around and make shitty albums.
*Carmelo Anthony rule*
Just because I said that you could fight, doesn't mean that you're just going to do it your way...
If you hit another player, then run, you will not only have to sit in the penalty box, but I will force you to watch BET Original Programming (NOT American Gangster, though) the whole time, and once you come out of the penalty box, you must wear a pink jersey, no matter what color your team wears or if you are home or away. You will also be made to wear a dunce cap with "BITCH" in big red letters on it.

MVP Selection
Until you motherfuckers get your shit together and start entertaining me for the millions you make, the MVP is no longer decided on the playing floor. In fact, it is not even voted upon. I decide (yes, me alone in my office, between looking for new pr0ns in my RSS feeds) at the end of the season who will be the MVP. The means I use to come about who will be the MVP of MY league is quite simple, I look at the news stories shown throughout the season and decide who, as a result of the most bombastic and just plain irresponsible off-court behavior, is my choice as MVP.
Kobe would have won 2003/04, as would have Allen Iverson the year he threw his wife out of the house butt nekkid. Steven Jackson outside of a strip club? MVP! Shawn Kemp would have taken it for at LEAST one illegitimate child if not three, as would the Portland Trailblazers SHARING the honor for the years they brushed with the law so often. Jason Kidd beat his wife back in 2000, didn't he? That is MVP worthy in my books. Gilbert Arenas would be the league MVP this year. This ALSO applies to players no longer in the league. I WILL strip a former MVP of their title and give it to a retired player for something they did after retiring/falling out of the league, like Jason Williams' shooting of that limousine driver, or Bison Dele quite probably killing his brother on that boat. This approach allows even an "average joe" player to gain some form of notoriety at the end of the day and be duly recognized for it, even if they do not score ONE POINT all season.

Media Relations
ONE player per team is allowed to speak to the media after the game. I will personally come to each team and EVERY player is to speak to me for 3 minutes about something related to the fictional (but entirely plausible) post-game situation I feed them. I will make my selection before returning to my office to watch more porn and beat off some more.
Every team will be shown Allen Iverson with the "PRACTICE?!!? WE TALKIN BOUT PRACTICE, NOT A GAME!!! PRACTICE!" tirade from when he was still in Philly at the outset of the season. With that, to the rest of the teams/players, you have a clear and concise idea of what it is I am looking for.

"The new ball"
Yeah, the old man bowed under pressure, but I am an asshole who had his conscience surgically removed back in 2003 for reasons unrelated to anything having anything to do with basketball. In such, the new ball is back. HOWEVER, not for every game, and especially not for all 48 minutes of every game. I will sit at my desk with a box, on that box will be several buttons, and each button will represent a game in the NBA that is taking place at current. At my behest (read: willy fucking nilly), I will press the button and YOUR game changes from old ball to new, if the button I press calls up your game. There will be a 13 second official timeout and a horn more shrill than anything you've ever heard symbolizing the change. Remember, when I get to drinking, I like pressing the beautiful, shiny buttons, so jolly and candylike. What the fuck have I to lose? If you don't like it, you can quit, and NO I DID NOT SAY "RETIRE," no benefits, no pension, I mean just get the fuck up and leave my league.


"Defensive specialists" my balls, if your team fails in 5 consecutive games to break 100 points, then your cheerleaders will play the next 3 home games following, while your team members cheerlead on the sidelines. I mean, because I would rather watch titties jiggling than to watch some "professionals" failing at something they've been doing non-stop since age 12 or earlier.

Mark Cuban
I like that dude, and besides that, he is filthy fucking rich. I will try and see if he has a daughter I can schmooze into falling in love with me. As it were, however, I will give him a lot more slack than the old man that I am replacing, the shit that Stern did is akin to playing the dozens with someone, then wanting to fight when everyone laughs at YOUR mother and not his, then getting your fuckin' face chipped in the fight, then coming back shooting. Yep, I am saying that the frequently fining of Mark Cuban was a good ol' fashioned bitch move.
... that is all

On the whole, I am pleased with the direction that I feel that I can take this league. Will it do anything for competition? Probably the fuck not. Will it make the game entertaining? Hell yeah, and you and I both know that no one gives a fuck about competition, we want to be entertained, almost as validation to the reasoning for the $100+ sneakers and multimillion dollar contracts.
We know I have fixed baseball once before, I am sure the changes I enact on a sport I actually like could come off quite well.
Here's to next season!


Kousen Tora said…
GANGSTA!!!!! I laughed so hard at this. Aw man. Another rule to add: Get rid of the 4th Quarter No Beer Rule. In fact make it so that every time the home team hits a 3 pointer, everyone of legal age gets a free beer bong. That way everyone gets so drunk they pass out & you can jack em for taxi ride for exuberant prices!!

They won't know the difference until they sober up the next day.
Tony Grands™ said…

"Taunting? No longer a technical foul, if he didn't deserve to be taunted, he would not have gotten dunked on."

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