My Own Worst Enemy

     I imagine this is a common assessment for every person of themselves, but I am my own worst enemy sometimes.  My short term memory leaves much to be desired, but my eye and ear for details of mundane shit that happened a long time ago are A-1.  That often leaves me a prisoner to my own mind, to my habits – past and present at that.

     I also have a hard time forgiving myself for shit that I have done or have been blamed for, or at worst have been allowed to believe took place on my watch.
Ever laid awake and listen to your brain quoting shit you should have done differently and then chide you for not doing it differently?  I call those Tuesdays.
… and Wednesdays.
…  or, fuck, any day that ends in Y.

     It may seem that I spend a lot of time on what I’ve done wrong and God knows I do as well as I do that this is true.  I surely don’t want to, but it just is.  I don’t take compliments well because I am still so stuck on my opportunities for improvement.
And I use them as such.  Turn a negative into a positive.  I know where I am all fucked up, it is a movie that plays on constant loop in my head.  Instead of laying around and wallowing in it, I do my damndest to use it to drive my approach to the world at large.  How I respond to people and things, how I react (or more accurately, DON’T react) to things.  I would have gone all the way crazy before adulthood if not.
Hell, people bug me and get written into stories all the time.

     But I don’t talk about it, like very rarely.
“E’rybody got problems, Ann… I’m DEALIN’ wit mine” is what Ike said, isn’t it?
Poor choice of quote, Ike Turner isn’t exactly a role model.
What I mean is that it is more or less to shirk judgment or avoid feeling like a burden to anyone else in the healthiest manner I know how or can muster in the moment.

     I know I’m not perfect, and I fully expect the world at large to know this too.  I am also not willing to pretend to be either.  I wake up every morning and approach the world as the realest me that I can be, even if some days I am left to concede that it won’t be the best me.


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