True Story©... Quaaludes!

(fuck me, I went for the obvious one again!)

The year was 2006…

I had this friend I hung out with from time to time.
Let me quit bullshitting…  We had known each other since I was like 13 or 14, she was at least 4 or 5 years younger so nothing ever happened until she approached me when I was 25 and she was legal.  We were diddling and had been for months, off and on.  Basically we would come back to it when both of us were between relationships and continued doing that shit until each of us met the people we would eventually marry and have both since divorced.  After then and ever since, we have been mature acquaintances who avoid being in the same place at the same time.

Anyway, that isn’t the point of this story today.
10-11 years ago, I had a friend with benefits.  Boundaries existed and were never fucked with, so all was good.  In the late spring, she had a family member (aunt, great-aunt, something – for the continuity of this story, it will be an aunt) who passed away and willed her the house.  Apparently, the aunt's kids were grown and had their own places and didn't want the responsibility or expense of another.  She was month-to-month in a shitty apartment she hated, so she was FULL willing to take the offer.

     But she needed help with the move and purge of her auntie’s old stuff and the move in of the few things in her mostly unfurnished apartment.  Apparently she was the only niece who the auntie still fucked with, so she won the house in the draw.
No car at the moment, unable to drive the moving van and REALLY in need of some help in hauling out some things while still possibly being an emotional wreck over it all, she asked me if I could set aside a Saturday for some much-needed assistance.  Nothing huge to move, I can help with all of this myself.
I ain’t trippin’, just tell me what time to pick you up!

     Paperwork completed, deeding and all that done, taxes set up and the bills transferred from her apartment to the house and everyone settled up financially.  Took a damn month, but the Saturday was upon us.
Upon arrival to the house, all was actually pretty damn easy.  Her aunt kept a clean place and two of the four bedrooms were mostly empty anyway when my friend’s cousins moved out on their own and started families and shit.  Most of the furniture and appliances were keepers and there was plenty of room for the stuff that had been in her apartment previously.  Easy move overall.

     We get to the aunt’s bedroom and it was about what one would expect.  Clothes in the closet, a bed that was quite apparently being used and everything else that bedrooms normally have.  Some nice jewelry in the bureau and a HUGE medicine chest.
… and THAT is where this shit got interesting.

     Being the (ir)responsible people we are, we OPENED that medicine chest to see what was in it.  Not to abuse or sell them or anything, just out of curious nosiness.  Normal shit, pain meds, mood things, heart medication for blood pressure.  Nothing outstanding.  I lost interest and went back to hauling what few things she did want taken out to the U-Haul to take to Goodwill.

     From the bedroom, she calls.

Her: “PHILLIP!!!”
Me: “YEAH?!”
Her: “C’mere for a minute!”

I’m thinking she has naughty intentions since she has been left alone long enough to prepare and we didn’t exactly have a ton of cleaning to do…

Her: “Quit fuckin playing, come here!”
Me: “Fine.”

I get to the bedroom and she asks…

Her: “What is meth--…  Methaqua--…”
Me: “Methaqualone?”
Her: “Yeah, that!”
Me: “You’re joking right?”
Her: “No, what is it?”
Me: “Popularly known as ‘Quaaludes,’ why?”
Her: “Because she has a whole fucking bottle of em.”
Me: “Why would your auntie have a whole bottle of disco biscuits?”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Quaaludes were intended as a sedative and muscle relaxant, but some genius learned that if you take one and then fight through the sleepy that it is a hypnotic.”
Her: “But…  Why?”
Me: “Because Americans are got-damn junkies, we learn to fuck ANYTHING up!”
Her: “No, why would SHE have them.  My auntie was a church lady, never drank or drugged in her life.”
Me: “Did she ever have any issues sleeping or anything like that?”
Her: “My cousin said at the funeral she used to have these BAD nightmares when my uncle died, but that was before I was born though.”
Me: “Damn you young, they weren’t banned til like 84”
Her: “Shut up”
Me: “What is the expiration date on that bottle?”
Her: “Ain’t one”
Me: “…  advances in the FDA, haha.”
Her: “Huh?”
Me: “Nothing…  look, I am going to haul the rest of this shit out.  I will be back in a minute.”
Her: “Okay, I’mma finish up in here.”

So I am back in the kitchen making moves on the small things she has decided whether to keep or donate and I am done.  I sit down for a second and have a bottle of water and she calls me back to the room again.  We almost done here, there better be some exposed titties waiting in this bedroom, dammit!

Me: “What’s up?”
Her: “You said these were a ‘hypnotic,’ like how?”
Me: “I was only 5 when they were banned myself, I only know what I have read.”
Her: “Well, we ain’t got nowhere to go anytime soon and this IS my house and--…”
Me: “… I like how you think.  Sheeeed, you ain't gotta ask me twice.”
Her: “Let’s get some dinner.  I will pay for it since you did all this for me today.  We can try one and see what shakes after that.”
Me: “… I can dig it.”

Bear in mind that the hardest drug I’d ever endeavored at the time was OxyContin and that was only after a broken jaw and two skull fractures three years prior.  I’m no straight-edger or a monk by any means, but I didn’t like the feeling of that so I wound up toughing my way through most of that pain.
But I was intrigued.

We swung by Goodwill and backed up the U-haul, then grabbed pizza on the way back after returning the truck, then back to the house.
We each took one of the pills and we waited…

Her: “So, how is this supposed to work again?”
Me: “Shit, I dunno.  I think we’re supposed to take ‘em and wait.”
Her: “I’m sleepy”
Me: “Of course you are, you just ate like half a damn pizza and took a sedative.”
Her: “You did too!”
Me: “Heheh, yep.”
Her: “When do we feel it?”
Me: “Never done this before”
Her: “Well this shit ain't working.  Should we take another?”
Me: “Umm…”
Her: “I mean, they got to be like 20-plus years old, maybe they wear off?”
Me: “Good idea…  We got this whole bottle, why not try another one or two.”
Her: “Okay”

Y’all seen The Wolf of Wall Street?
I WISH I had seen that shit before taking three motherfucking Quaaludes.
Haven’t seen it?  This is the scene I speak of:

Effectively – or more accurately “ineffectively” – retarded, too immobile to find my fucking keys and not able to find my way out of a strange house even if I could, I crashed out right on the living room floor.


As in dead-ass sleep on my stomach.
… on a hard-ass wooden floor.
[Phlip note: you left me on the motherfucking floor! What the hell?!!?  I know you see this!]

Did I mention I crashed and no sex took place?  All my adolescent/young-adult life, I was told about the magic of Quaaludes and how I had missed the wave by having been born in 1979.  The moment I happen upon my chance, I fuck it off.  I was left wishing I had a time machine to have seen that movie 7 years early.

Lay off the hard drugs, kids.


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