True Story© The Misadventures of Mr. Moe Phillips

     I make a point of not putting my picture, location, or naming where I work in these tales…
Frankly, I know some of what I say is provocative, I happen to be a SEXY motherfucker and I really don’t need the general public to have that kind of access to me.  Contact methods can be found on the page and we can carry all media requests from there.  Don’t bother asking for money, because I happen to be broke.

     So I am in Wal Mart last week picking up a couple of things for the household(s) and I get a tap on the shoulder from a young lady.  Apparently, a friend of hers had read my earlier post about helping the guy out of a shitty situation in that same store and shared with her timeline.
As much as I appreciate you all sharing, sometimes I feel as if I am digging my own damned grave.

Her: “H-…  Hi.  Your name’s Moe right?”

Me: *looks for potential escape routes/murder weapons* “Um, yeah!”

Her: “You sure?”

Me: “Yeah, pretty sure.  Who’s asking?”

Her: “A fried of a friend.  I read about how you got one of my buddies out of a situation with his girl.”

Me: *steps away* “Uhh…”

Her: “No, you’re safe.  He was my friend, not her.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Her: “Yeah, we had been telling him for months he needed to get out of that situation.”

Me: “Wow, and I only took a couple of minutes with him?”

Her: “Yeah, and I guess that is why I am even approaching you.  Do you, like, do that professionally?”

Me: “Hell no, I have a regular job.  I am a judgmental people watcher otherwise.”

Her: “Well look, I got this--…”

Me: “Look, I ain’t going around the city and breaking people up.  Greensboro ain’t but so big.”

Her: “But you handled it so well!”

Me: “I felt for your homie in the moment.  And I might have had a couple of beverages in me.”

Her: “So you’ll only act when you feel personally invested.”

Me: “Or invested in.”

Her: “Huh?”

Me: “If it is worth my while.”

Her: “Oh, you mean like for money?”

Me: “Yeah, you should hear about that one time I--…”

Her: “The time you what?”

Me: “Never mind.”

Yeah, this city is small enough, it is a good idea to not go copping to shit that I don’t need my – or Moe’s – name involved in.

Her: “Okay…  So how much are we talking?”

Me: “I really don’t know.  No one has ever asked me to do something quite like this.”

Her: “Well do you have a number I can give my friend?”

Me: “I have an email.  Phones are too easy to trace.  Even burners…  I watched the wire.”

Her: “Well can you write it down for me right here?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Now here is my fundamental and moral quandary.  I don’t exactly WANT to do what I am being tasked with and mainly because it is not a situation I have a reason to give a damn about.
-BUT-
I mentioned being broke up there, didn’t I?
Besides, I gave her the burner email address anyway.

     Two weeks pass before I get the email:

“Good Afternoon Mr. Phillips, I am in a situation similar to one I’m told you described.  I have a woman that I want to think I love, but the fact remains that I just don’t think she respects me.
When we discuss ‘we’ things and she doesn’t agree with my opinion, rather than continue to work on a solution, they turn into ‘you vs. me’ things and I am usually the one who has to pick up the financial fallout of poorly-laid plans as well as trying to gingerly navigate shitty attitude while doing it.  There is no wins here, it is either ‘lose or win, THEN lose’ with her.  Again, I love her or at least I think I do, but I think I am basically tired of her and her shit.  HALP!!!”

I looked over this and KNEW how he would have to carry this.  Shit, HE seemed to have an idea himself.  I responded to the email with instructions and left it with the option of contacting me for any further information and to submit payment to PayPal once the situation was resolved.
This was on a Wednesday morning.

     Friday, I got an email:

“It happened...  She got it in her head that we need a new car and dragged me to a dealership with her.  Never mind the fact that we both have working and paid for cars.  I looked over the cars as she requested, but she got her ass on her shoulders when I wouldn’t co-sign for financing.  I pulled her aside and told her to find a nice way to excuse ourselves from the dealer or I would find a not-so-nice way to do it.  She didn’t talk to me the entire way home, and made a HUGE deal about my reaction to her surprising me with that shit.
While she was on the phone telling her sister how ‘not shit’ I was, I changed the WiFi password and left the house to chill with my brother for a while.  I made a point of leaving my phone in the car on purpose.  I return to 8 missed calls and a string of messages calling me everything but a child of God.  On the way home, I bought new locks and reminded her how much it sucks to be blindsided with MAJOR decisions already made for you and how shitty it was of her to be acting out like this over one as minor as the WiFi password.  She was offered the chance to attempt to show some respect or to get her shit out of my house.
I still haven’t told her the new WiFi password.
She is headed back to her mama’s house Monday morning.”

My PayPal had two payments from two different people, totaling $625 and both thanking me for my assistance.  Apparently he had gotten some help with what they thought was a fair fee and sent it all along.

     And now I need to stop going to that fucking Wal Mart without my pistol.

I might be onto something with this Moe Phillips thing though.