True Story© Tech Support for the World At Large

Until my fortunes change, I am an IT specialist by day, a writer when time allows, and murderous supervillain by night.
Sometimes I lose sight of which “job” I am on and do some supervillain shit when I need to be earning a paycheck.
F’rinstance, there was last week at work…


Nurse: “Let me start off, sir, by saying that I am totally computer illiterate, but I need your help. This printer is not working and I don’t know what to do.”
Me: “Have you rebooted the computer and the printer?”
Nurse: “I think so.”
Me: “You’ve checked physical connections and supplies, right?”
Nurse: “No, but I can right now.”
“Everything seems to be fine on that front”
Me: “Well ma’am, have you taken off your shirt before cursing at the device while flinging poo at it?”
Nurse: “I can’t imagine that would fix this issue.”
Me: “Sure it would lady, I do this every day. I am the professional here and you called me for help.”
Nurse: “But there’s clients in here”
Me: “Look, do you want them out of your office or not? Get your shirt off and start screaming obscenities at that printer while throwing doodies at it.”
Nurse: “Is this call being recorded?”
Me: “Calls are recorded at random for quality assurance and training purposes, I personally hope everyone is catching this one. Wait… Stop changing the subject. Is your shirt off yet?”
Nurse: “Yes, I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.”

*laughter from the people in the lobby*

Thursday morning:
Supervisor: “Phillip, did you tell this woman that taking her shirt off and cussing while throwing shit at her printer would fix it?”
Me: “Seriously? As hilarious as that is, I need this job as much as Wells Fargo wants that 694 the first of every month”Sup: “Well she is saying you did and the office manager is on my phone now trying to decide whether to fire her or know if whoever told her that is disciplined for it.”
Me: “Look, aren’t these calls monitored?”
Sup: “At random, I have no way of tracking which ones are or were though.”Me: “Wasn’t me.”
Sup: “You’re the only male we have in support.”
Me: “Wasn’t me.”
Sup: “She specifically said ‘Phillip told her to do this’”
Me: *stifling laughter* “Wasn’t me.”
Sup: “So if she fires this woman--…”
Me: “It. Was. Not. Me.”
Sup: “Well, I got no proof otherwise.”

I don’t know if the lady got fired or not, and that is of no real concern of mine. I was having a rough go of it last week and her contact came at a time where I’d just about had enough.

Scene 2:

At my current age, I am of the opinion that I should not still be getting questioned about rudimentary “tech” questions on things as simple as I often do from parents of teens and pre-teens. Mainly because these people are around my age and should have had the necessary exposure to complete the simplest of tasks and understand reasonably simple things.

I recently received an email from a concerned mother…
Good afternoon, sir. I hope you can help me here. I recently looked through my daughter’s phone and found the following message from a boy in her class. She is 17 years old and will be soon graduating high school. I know she is ‘grown’ but as long as she is under my roof, she is under my rules as long as I pay these bills. I am concerned that she is doing some things I do not approve of. The message is attached below. Please explain to me what it is I am looking at so I can make my next plan of action if any is necessary.

Naturally, the text was attached with all identifying information removed for obvious reasons:

I was initially reluctant to even FIELD this one. I guess I was torn. On the one hand, I am a father to a daughter and have a teenager whose friends all think I am HER father. I get it, you want--... no, NEED to protect your baby girl and lord knows I would fill a cemetery if someone tried one of my princesses.  On the other hand, I have been a high school-aged teenager unsuccessfully trying to convince girls to have sex with me and wish I would have had the technology that these little motherfuckers have right now at their disposal. On the THIRD hand, is this woman’s Google broken? I am sure she could have found the answer she seeks on Urban Dictionary. Matter of fact…
See? Results 3-7 ON THE FIRST PAGE!

I thought about how she was savvy enough to commandeer her daughter's iPhone, screenshot the message and then properly trim and attach it to an email sent from her own email box but didn't have the common sense to find out that an eggplant emoji is but a euphemism for a dingaling and decided she should be punished for her insolence, so I went with the third hand in my response:

I am of the opinion that your response is a bit heavy-handed. While I understand wanting to be protective of your baby and I even understand looking through a phone that YOU provide for her. What you’re responding to, though, is simply a young man making sure that your baby girl is getting her vegetables. Eggplant/aubergine is a low-fat and pretty carb-neutral vegetable. You should be thanking this young man. Invite him over for dinner sometime, cook a nice eggplant Parmesan for him and your family.

I cannot know how the situation resolved itself, but people will soon learn to stop asking me stupid shit unless they LIKE getting stupid answers to their questions.


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