True Story© The Soundtrack to my Life

Music frames a great lot of what I do…

Back when I first separated/divorced, I was (naturally) back on the dating scene and of course it was vastly different from what I remembered it as from five years prior.
Long story short, these new girls were onto the bullshit that the generation ahead of them just had no clue of how to prepare for. As the world in the life of a hunter goes, though, one adapts to catch what you know how to hunt.

“Phlip, what in the mad steamy assfuck does this have to do with music?” is what I hear the three (yep, new subscribers!) of you saying right now.
Chill, I will get to that in a few minutes.
I did the rounds… POF, OKC, and a couple of other sites that aren’t FOR dating but are reduced to about that much.

I managed maybe two or three “out” dates, like where I drove and paid for a dinner, and SEVERAL “in” dates, which is “Netflix and chill” before stopping at Cookout for a tray and milkshake on the way back to the crib.
Naturally, this shit got old pretty damn quick and I decided that I would stop with the quantity approach and aim for quality. To do this, I would need to use MUSIC to exact my approach.
“But how?” some of you may be compelled to ask.
I will tell you how.

I decided that I would select a random song from when I was in elementary and middle school and frame a MAJOR portion of our interaction solely with the lyrics to said song and if she caught on to what I was doing then she was worth making up some bullshit about it being a joke and forging something serious with her.

[Note: some names changed to protect the guilty]

Scene 1

“Michelle”
She approached me, told me I was cute and she liked my beard. We continued to converse and she asked me about my last previous relationship. I saw my opening…

Me: “She wanted to lead the glamorous life.”

Michelle: “I am so sorry to hear that, sweetheart.”

Me: “But she didn't need a man's touch.”

Michelle: “Wow, we all need our attention here and there.”

Me: “Yeah, she just wanted to lead the glamorous life.”

Michelle: “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

Me: “But without love, it ain't much.”

Sadly, Michelle didn’t get it. She did, however, feel SUPER bad for what she thought had happened to me and invite me over to her apartment on the next Friday, where she attempted to make up for every woman who had ever wronged me.

Scene 2
“Ebony”
... and Ebony had some bigass tit-tays, so anyone who knows me knows I got at her. As ever, almost as if everyone always asks the same questions, she homed in on my marital status and what it was that brought me to that station in life. I had my in…

Me: “I was in a series of fucked up situations… Everything she wanted was everything she saw”
Ebony: “You mean like she was materialistic?”
Me: “I guess I must have loved her
Because I thought she was the perfect girl for me”
Ebony: “Well I guess we’re all guilty of creating the situation we want”
Me: “Some people work for a living. Some people work for fun,
seemed I just work for her”
Ebony: “WOW!”
Me: “They told me marriage was a give and take. She showed me she could take, but had some giving to do”
Ebony: “How so?”
Me: “And then she tells me that she’s having my baby
I’m like ‘I’ll tell you that I'm happy if you want me to’”

Unfortunately, I never got to wail “SOMEBODY TELL ME!!!” with Ebony. What had happened to me was so fucked up that she demanded my address and showed up 90 minutes later wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and proceeded to erase everything contained in my already diminished short-term memory.

You get it… I quoted songs in the silliest of fashion in properly-cadenced response to the conversation ahead of me and was rewarded for my perceived heartache with sex. So much sex that I don't know WHY in the fuck I married who I married to begin with. I worked this shit for over a year.

On July 5, 2014, my sisters invited a friend of theirs to my birthday party and she had apparently been making designs for my life for 15 months prior. The next day she friend requested me on FB and spent the following several months seducing me into STOPPING the bullshit game I was playing with the song lyrics and into her bed.

The ONE conversation that made a believer of me though?

Scene 3

Me: “I’m just wary about committing to anything too serious again. One could say I am broken”
Mimi: “Well you should let me.”
Me: “Let you what?”
Mimi: “Let me come inside” 
Me: “Gina and Vic invited you to the cookout, that is pretty ‘inside,’ no?” 
Mimi: “I'll keep you satisfied”
Me: *stunned silence* 
Mimi: “If you want me, if you need me.”
Me: “W-wait… what were we talking about?” 
Mimi: “Just let me turn down all the lights”
Me: “I like where this is going” 
Mimi: “I'll make you feel alright, come inside”
Me: “Waitadamnsecond.”

Whaddyadamn know, next thing I know I have a woman who rides with me on my silly-ass adventures and (usually) doesn’t judge me on the journey.