True Story©... Get Back on the Getback

     I don’t forget shit…
Let me rephrase that, I do forget a great many things, but I don’t forget things that matter a great deal to me.

     In August, I told y’all about a job I had taken on helping a dude finally decide whether or not he should go through with marrying his girlfriend.  The work in said story was foiled by one of my mans named Marlon who basically, figuratively and literally fucked my money.
[Link, catch up and come back, you will need it if you do not remember]

     Anyway, I am not as mad at Marl as I probably should be for how it went down because – as he so succinctly put it – her ass was absolutely stunning.  Besides, we been friends since middle school and I guess I should have known that he would probably fuck the girl first chance he got.


     Three weeks ago, Marlon calls me with a quandary…

Marlon: “Phlip!”
Me: “Whatup Marls?”
Marlon: “Shit man…  You good?”
Me: “All things considered, still mad about that check you fucked up.”
Marlon: “My bad, man.  I told you you can’t blame me for that.”
Me: “I know, I know.”
Marlon: “Besides, man--…”
BOTH us simultaneously: “You see the ASS on that b*tch?!”
Me: “Ha, yeah, you’ve said it enough since the summer.”
Marlon: “Haha, I know”
Me: “What’s up though?”
Marlon: “Funny you mention that shit though.”
Me: “Oh shit…”
Marlon: “Nah nah, chill.  I been with my girl for a minute now and--…”
Me: “Girl?”
Marlon: “Yeah!”
Me: “The way you fuckin’?!  I had no idea she was a ‘thing’ so much as some girl you serviced regularly.”
Marlon: “Shut up and listen.  She with me and know I ain’t bout shit, right?”
Me: “Damn…  But okay?”
Marlon: “Yeah, it’s about time I quit being ‘ain’t shit’ and do right by her.”
Me: “That’s commendable, but what with me?”
Marlon: “Advice”
Me: “You know I’m a supervillain, right?”
Marlon: “I know, but hear me out.”
Me: “G’head.”
Marlon: “So it’s this other chick, right?”
Me: “You don’t intend to get married, do you?”
Marlon: “N**ga, if you don’t shut up…”
Me: “Well stop stopping!”
Marlon: “Anyway.  This girl I used to work with, right?  She was, like, nondescript back in the days.”
Me: “Mmhmm…”
Marlon: “But NOW, n**ga?!!?”
Me: “Mmhmm…”
Marlon: “Big ol titties, tight little petite body, pretty lips, keep her shit up and e’rything.”
Me: “I don’t know where this is going.”
Marlon: “I am feeling like I might’ve missed something”
Me: “You mean like if you had a chance?”
Marlon: “YEAH!!!  What do I do?”

At this point, we should be well aware that Marlon is stubborn as a fucking mule and is probably best dealt with using reverse psychology.


I couldn’t bring myself to let him throw away his otherwise earnest attempt to stop being a scumbag under my watch.
Me: “Marls, man… Marlon!”
Marlon: “What?”
Me: “The past the past, yo.  And if not for my current relationship situation, I would ask for some intel on this other chick, DAMN dog, but--…”
Marlon: “But what?”
Me: “But don’t throw away what you see is a good enough thing to get out the game for over some shit that you took too damn long to see as desirable.  If it wasn’t there, then it ISN’T there.”
Marlon: “So like, I can’t even talk to her about what could have been?”
Me: “You totally shouldn’t”
Marlon: “Aight man.”
Me: “You good?”
Marlon: “I’m straight, I am about to get off this thing man.  Peace.”
Me: “Later”

We end the conversation with me WISHING against all hope that he would do what he was told and not the fucking opposite for a change.  What I COULDN’T do is be complicit in the giving of bum-ass advice and him decide to make THAT the day he did it and wind up messing up three lives – his girl, THAT girl and his own in the process.

     Things change, people change.  Sometimes someone who has always been on some bullshit will eventually see the way and fix shit up right, right?
Marlon: “maaaaannn…  Phlip…”
Me: “Yo”
Marlon: “Phlip, my bad man.”
Me: “Fucked her, didn’t you.”
Marlon: “No, never got the chance”
Me: “You?  Didn’t fuck?  So what are we apologizing for?”
Marlon: “I…  I--…”
Me: “Get to it”
Marlon: “So I sends her a message, we strike up conversation and talk about days past.”
Me: “Sounds simple enough”
Marlon: “So I TRIED to get around to kind of glossing over what could have been, you know to let her say it and not me?”
Me: “…  and she didn’t take the bait.”
Marlon: “Not. At. The. Fuck. All…”
Me: “Oh shit”
Marlon: “’oh shit’ is an understatement.”
Me: “Wow, what happened?”
Marlon: “I guess I should start with the fact that I met this chick and my girl at the same place.  We all worked together at the time.”
Me: “Mother. Fucking. Fuck.”
Marlon: “Tell me about it.  So they KNEW each other.”
Me: “Naturally”
Marlon: “So she completely upbraids my ass for playing her like the Ugly Duckling in the messages.  Apparently I wasn’t the first to pull this shit.  I was all kinds of weak and whatever else she could pull out on me.”

[Phlip note: +1 for unexpected use of ‘upbraid’]

Me: “And then?”
Marlon: “I didn’t try to fight back or nothing, but I ain’t have shit to respond with.”
Me: “And then?”
Marlon: “Screenshots…  Screenshots, my n**ga.”
Me: “Ouch!”
Marlon: “So yeah…  This is the day she decides she is sick and tired of my shit, moving in with her sister until she get paid at the end of the month and moves into her own spot.”
Me: “Marlon…  You stubborn as fuck.”
Marlon: “What?”
Me: “I TOLD you not to slide in that other girl’s inbox.”
Marlon: “Well that wasn’t the only box I was trying to slide in…”
Me: “Ha!  Nice!”
Marlon: “Heheheh”
Me: “But shut the fuck up.”
Marlon: “What?”
Me: “I TOLD you not to do it, EVERYTHING can be a trap, even shit that doesn’t start out as such.”
Marlon: “But--…”
Me: “…  and I knew you might do some shit like this when I told you not to do it.”
Marlon: “But--…”
Me: “But what?”
Marlon: “But why you ain’t try to stop me?”
Me: “It was a 50/50”
Marlon: “What?”
Me: “On one hand, you innocently come clean to this girl and nothing happens.  Or you come clean to her and you have one last romp before getting out the game and your girl never knows.”
Marlon: “Or…”
Me: “She is receptive and you seal the deal and get caught, or you get put on blast immediately and your girl ain’t having it and you lose her.”
Marlon: “Okay…”
Me: “I imagine that proper getback on that $475 your ass cost me back in July.”
Marlon: “All this over THAT?”
Me: “Nah, dog…  That is the supervillain part.  That’s the first 50.”
Marlon: “Wait, what?  Then what is the second?”
Me: “N**ga, you ain’t wanna get married and that you were entertaining missed opportunities told me that shit, I figured I might as well make it entertaining on the way to that conclusion.  I’m a supervillain, remember?”

I haven’t the FOGGIEST of ideas how we’re still friends right now.
I'm still trying to get him to show me this other girl's FB profile though...  For research purposes.


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