Baseball is boring!

Someone PLEASE get me some basketball back in my life!

Look, I am not saying that baseball is uneventful or wholly uninteresting. What I AM saying is that there is far too long between interesting shit taking place, and 3.5+ hours for a fucking game is ridiculous. It doesn't have to be like this, really it doesn't.
I have already explained that I wouldn't mind steroids being allowed in baseball as a means of adding some cartoonish superheroism to the whole thing, but that still does nothing to speed the game up.

First, there should be some enforced penalties for taking too long to get shit done.

10 seconds!

That's right, you got 10 seconds to handle your business. When the ump gives the catcher the ball and he throws it to the pitcher, the clock is on. If the pitcher has not thrown the ball within the allotted 10 seconds, then he is assessed a ball.

The batter is not removed from responsibility. He needs to have his ass in the batters box and ready to swing within that 10 seconds, no more of that posturing and posing for bitches on the sideline and shit. Failure to do so sees one assessed a strike.

No exceptions to these rules are allowed. Injury is not an excuse, because if there was a problem, then the ball would not have been put into play.

30 seconds!

At inning changes, everyone has THIRTY seconds to be in position before the ball is put into play and the aforementioned 10 second clock starts.

If the batting team fucks around longer than that and is not ready to bat, then they will be assessed an out.

If the pitching team fucks it off, then the batting team's leadoff hitter is given a HIT and placed on base. That's right, hit them where it hurts. A no-hitter is preserved even if I walk a batter or 5, but if I am assessed a hit due to my own fuckery, then I am being hit in the wallet, on that stats line.

45 Seconds!

You wanna change pitchers? The 45 second rule applies here too.
The manager can come out to the field, he has 45 seconds -- beginning the moment he gets to the mound -- to converse with the pitcher, then 45 to get his pitcher out and the new one in. Failure to do so results in that new pitcher beginning with a new batter on base, again the batter is assessed a hit.

Pinch runners? You shouldn't even need 45 seconds for this, but I am feeling generous. If you can't get him in there in that time and the old off of first base, then you're out, simple as that.

The 45-second rule(s) is(are) fair to either side in that it does NOT give a fuck if there is one person on base or if the bases are loaded. If this pushes in the go-ahead run in the bottom of the ninth, I can guaran-damned-tee that you won't make that mistake again -- but not that the manager will still have a job -- and the same applies if it causes the third out to kill a rally.

1 minute (60 seconds)

Nothing to apply this to as it relates to the pitching team, nothing on the field should POSSIBLY take this long for them.

Batting team, though?
You have SIXTY seconds to fully round the bases, collect your shit from home plate and head off to celebrate when you have hit a home run. Matter is not minded as to how many runs have been driven in, nor if this is some milestone home run (500, 600, 700) with the exception of THE record. The only other exception to this rule is if this is a walk off home run and the game is over anyway.

Extra Innings
If you have somehow managed to fuck off the time constraints and STILL want to torture us with 3+ hours of baseball to the point that the score is tied at the end of 9 innings, the only rules that survive intact is the 10 and 30-second ones.
The 45-second rules become 30 and the 1-minute rule becomes 45, again unless it is a walkoff.

Peaking of extra innings, you get TWO total. That's it, no more. If you cannot settle the game over the course of those two innings, then the game will end in a tie. Playoffs games will naturally go as long as is necessary, but not regular season games.

By my math, the longest a single at-bat should last with the incidentals of getting shit together and back to the pitcher is about 2 minutes or so, and that is if they go to a full count and the batter keeps fouling balls off. I stopped short of implementing the sandlot "foul out" rule, where the batter gets 4 fouls and is done because shit happens. In low-scoring games where people aren't batting the fuck through and beating the piss out of the pitcher -- meaning the games not involving Albert Pujols -- with an as-Googled average of about 35 at-bats per ballgame, we're looking at 70 minutes of baseball, plus 18 instances for 45-second changes in sides for another 13.5 minutes, taking into consideration a generous assumption of 5 pitching changes at 45 seconds each for another 3.75 and 2 pinch runners for another 1.5 minutes. We'll spend 5 minutes singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" in the 5th inning stretch and at 93.75 minutes, I have AT LEAST halved the time spent boring you to tears with a baseball game and the kids can get home in time for a reasonable bedtime on school nights.

With the reintroduction of steroids and my ideas for speeding the game up, baseball COULD be worth watching again for something more than some off-the-field dramatic bullshit after all.

But there again, who listens to me?


Kousen Tora said…
If baseball actually were like this, then I would probably start watching it. Oh and one more rule to add:

Bench clearing brawls are a must during the 7th inning. The winning club gains two extra runs for kicking the other team's ass.
Tony Grands said…
Word, Phlip. Baseball is or children & the elderly (people who don't really care what they're watching).

But, I say add an extra point for Homeruns. Incentive to hit the ball more often, & with the reintroduction of steriods, every game would be a guaranteed slugfest.

Also, fuck it, let girls play too. I wouldn't mind a little T & A in the midst of the testicle festival. I'm sure the players wouldn't either.

I have an idea why the crowd doesn't mind sitting there....because they're legally drunk outdoors.

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